poetry & prayer

Dec 2011

2011-12-04T13:04:00.000+08:00

One terribly long hiatus and everything is good.

I love you baby. Please rest well.

2011-04-12T19:05:00.001+08:00

it remains but a distant memory
all the grandeur of the past
but all i can do in this bleak present
is reminisce the things that turned to dust

im-motive

2011-03-08T22:47:00.000+08:00

It descends slowly,
inching into the flesh-shorn cavity.
First came the sting,
then a tingling of pain,
intermingled with a slight snigger
as life ebbed into the abyss.

No more a man
than a corpse should be,
time comes to a standstill
as reality collapses into
nothing-ness.

To ride the giant waves of death
is exhilarating, and all at once
life plummets into the depths
and we all find ourselves
washed up
on the shores of hell.

Through the looking glass

2010-07-09T09:58:00.004+08:00

Inklings of the life that I will never share in flash by as my fingers swipe across the looking glass and the vespertine breeze rushes through the nothingness above my head. The long way ahead is fixed and daunting, winding and barred with many rows of concertina wires - circular coils of wires encircled with serrated blades. The past stands behind me with a firm grip upon my shoulders, it never stops haunting me. Who have I to hold once again? There was nothing before, what hope do I have that there will be any in the future?

I'm so tired now. Where are you God, my strength?

2010-05-28T19:08:00.003+08:00

Some of the many things I miss and have learnt to appreciate:

1. Holding her close
2. Talking to her
3. Looking into her radiant face
4. Meals with my family
5. Watching a beautiful sunset
6. Having hair on my head
7. A warm, relaxed shower
8. Lazing in bed
9. Air conditioning
10. Flippantly using weapons only in computer games without a care of carbon residue afterwards or where they are pointing
11. Messaging her whenever I like
12. Wearing a fresh set of clothing and not perspiring immediately after
13. A soft breeze
14. Taking my time to do things
15. Her wonderful smile
16. Wasting my day doing nothing
17. A messy room
18. Dry undergarments
19. Doing pushups as a means of exercize only
20. Having a choice to submit to authority
21. A smile from someone familiar
22. Durians
23. Beef, pork and any other kind of meat except chicken
24. An easy meal
25. Peaceful sleep
26. An environment where I am the most vulgar or lewd
27. Worshipping God in a comfortable room
28. Rain
29. Waking up late
30. Her

You treasure only the things you once had. :)

2010-02-05T00:36:00.002+08:00

God please take me away,
I cannot take this anymore.

Mission Trip

2010-01-28T21:19:00.010+08:00

It was a tiring yet rewarding trip; I personally got less than 5 hours of sleep in the 3 days we were there, but it was fulfilling. We left Singapore on the 22nd of January, in the afternoon instead of the morning as there were some complications with the ferry tickets. Although we had booked the tickets in advance, the ticketing office did not confirm them and we had no boarding passes to our destination. It was an outright attempt of the devil to stop us from doing God's will, but it was heartening to receive affirmation albeit in this manner. He would not prevail though, as we set off for our trip in a different route, this time to Batam, to catch a separate ferry across the island towards Tanjung Pinang, Bintan. It is with such trepidation and humbled by our precarious position in the cosmic war waged amongst us that I embarked on this mission trip. The reminder was very simple: we can only depend on God.

We arrived happy and hungry, devouring all 7 courses in the restaurant we visited, which was to be the venue of our youth programme. It was carnage at the table, and I am proud to share in such REAL destruction. :) We proceeded to the hotels shortly after lunch, all of us in chatty moods after our stomachs were full. There are several things that I enjoyed the most on the trip: the bus rides, the sessions of prayer and lunches. Of these, the commonality is straightforward, they are all opportunities for fellowship, and through which I got to know all the members at a more intimate level.

Split into 2 groups upon arrival, some of us went to pray while others went for the children's programme. I was in the prayer group, and it was the first time I was real in a long time. Prayer is indeed powerful! I was so reluctant to leave after the hour passed. We prayed for the team doing the children's programme, the mission trip in general, the hearts of our team members, the need for God, some team members, Ian who was preaching later - whose heart was still very hard and distracted. The session of prayer allowed God to speak to Him and a powerful sermon was born. Reader, if you can only understand the joy that exists in prayer, you will never desire anything else ever again. :)

I must digress a little to explore this spiritually discipline: prayer. It unlocks many things: the heart of God, the power of God, the strength of God and our own heart, just to name a few. When we pray, we reverse in us the 'ontological inversion' - simply put, our spiritual being marred by sin, if you want further explanation, just approach me - that took place when sin first entered into our lives. I believe the phrase 'walking with God' is essentially referring to prayer, as it is our main line of communication with Him and in this reversion, that takes place through prayer, we stay most attuned to God's spirit and this allows Him to work through us, unleashing His power and His will in our lives, and brings our minds and wills into submission to His own, that we may test and approve of it as said in the Scripture. The implication of testing and approving is that it that God's will is good, just that we have yet to understand it; not vice versa as many people think.

There was service that evening and I made friends with this girl Dewi, who tried to teach me to worship in Bahasa Indonesia. It was quite heartening to see that although we had not much to offer, our mere presence was sufficient for others to rejoice. :) Worship climaxed in the song 'Shout to the Lord' where both groups - the Indonesian youths and the team, divided in language, united again in praising the same God. We then continued service, during which, there was a blackout. There were many interpretations that sprang forth from this simple electrical failure, God really spoke to the team through these events, but I was more concerned about the sermon. Ian delivered a powerful sermon, and God used him to speak to the Indonesians, after which we saturated the hall with prayer. Although I did not know the people there, nor spoke their language, I just prayed in the universal language of praise - tongues - and watched God work in their lives. Please pray for the people in Indonesia, they need discipleship.

That night, we had a debrief and planned until 4 for the various programmes that were ongoing the next day. We slept little, but awoke afresh. We spent another 30 minutes in prayer which was refreshing, where I revamped my testimonial after that session after God impressed the words into my heart. It seems like everything in this trip was a work in progress, which only came to fruition after we prayed. Perhaps our very lives are like that, a work in progress until the end and the best fruits are born then. How interesting :)

We took charge of the service that day, most of the team conducted the children's programme while the remaining 8 of us orchestrated the service. The crowd were mostly adults, with some of the youth from the previous night scattered
amongst the congregation. They had worship, after which we took over. We performed our special item - a dance - for the congregation and it was met with warm reception, even though yours truly messed up a little. Gao min was the emcee, and she did a good job introducing me as the handsome one, which the crowd promptly hollered their approval. Perhaps good looks transcends national and racial boundaries. Hou! :) But the testimony - about how I strayed from Christ and into Satanism and back again - really impacted them, I could see in their eyes. After that Bryson preached. During the service, the Holy Spirit prompted me to confront this guy in the congregation about sin which he had not resolved in his life. This guy was named Hendra and he was plagued with bad, recurring dreams which left him unable to work and with pains in his waist and back. The most coincidental thing was I had already forgotten about the prompting and he
was the one who approached us for prayer. We prayed for deliverance and when I asked the pastor, the guy confessed that he was struggling with hatred and was involved in fights
with his Muslim friends regarding his faith. We prayed again, and our leaders took him aside to talk to him.

We had lunch, and after that we dove immediately into the next activity - a youth programme. The whole activity went quite smoothly, and we could see that the Indonesian youth really enjoyed the activities we planned for them. The workshops that I taught on prayer went well, thank God. I saw Hendra again, and I decided to sit with him through dinner and the following service. My heart was filled with compassion for him as he was an outcast in his own community and amongst the youth as they couldn't understand how to reach him. Although it was not much, I just made my presence felt besides him, to show him love in that way. It was then that God ministered to me, reminding me of His own love for me. :)

The night threatened to end bitterly, with me speaking without first praying. But it ended with God's grace - in that I was able to know my mentee Ian and later in the day, Yixian and Tiffany - and with the understanding of my other team members. I spent the rest of the night praying and reflecting about the situation, and I realized that I needed to be more humble, open and understanding to utilize all the talents God has blessed me with.

The next morning was tiring. Everyone in the team was almost spent, but we still had two more programmes left, tuition and house visitations. I was in the house visitation team, along with Tiffany, Yixian, Kah Sheng and Jia Liang. We went door to door, visiting Christian households and praying for them. It was humbling to meet people living so contently in these circumstances; not to discredit the power of prayer, but I felt more blessed with all I learnt from those visits than what I had given.

the clouds, their edges serrated

and pressed against the azure

background

frame the fiery orb as it

transcended into the night

the lambent rays of the sun's

finest glory, danced above the

ocean.
and there we were frozen

in this picturesque scene

the sea in its furor, swept
against the sides of the
ferry,
playfully tossing seaspray
into our face.

although fast and relentless, the
wind was still gentle nonetheless; its
caresses
swept the brows clear,
and roused a state of euphoria within.

the horizon, where azure

met indigo, glistened in the

light

of eternity, as heaven

descended on earth.

and suddenly, I knew: the
great Creator whose glory
enthroned
in all the earth, sang aloud
through nature's very heart.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know them full well.

Psalms 139:14

However, the main highlight was the trip back home. The poem above describes the entirety of our Christian walk: although we may busy ourselves with accomplishments and ministry, what is most important is ultimately knowing God and enjoying His presence. :) As we climbed above to the exposed upper deck, the sunset and the majesty of God's glory enveloped us, and reminded me of where my heart truly belongs. It was just like a refreshing breath of air after holding it for so long, and I can profess that I know my saviour, my God; I know all He has done full well. :)

Amen

Katherine

2010-01-28T19:48:00.002+08:00

Few words can describe this trip in its entirety and one blog post is insufficient to summarize it. Perhaps when there's more time to reflect, I will explore the trip deeper.

Till then, let this be closure.

Pictures from Katherine :)

2009-12-31T21:26:00.002+08:00

Robin and me during Christmas

Spaghetti! I admit it looks like a little like menses, but who says that cant taste nice? :)

My frog! It loves me. :)

Ella! Cutest baby ever, and I think she likes me too. :)

Both life and death

2009-12-12T19:25:00.001+08:00

the stalwart beast

we tread lightly, amidst the
rustling of the leaves;
softly and silently,
approaching the stalwart beast

it waded gracefully, vernerably
within the drying mud;
grazing and drinking, yet unknowing,
the ground to be stained by its blood

our guns cocked and ready,
we slowly take aim,
a deafening noise, a chaotic frenzy
and the stalwart beast meets soon, its bane

i watched spellbound
as the animal twitched;
struggling against all odds
its life, fighting to keep
and we raised again the heinous wand
and a crackling sound ensured;
blood poured this time from the
gaping wound, its death had now secured.

i watched as the stalwart beast died
my gun lowered in salute;
a hideous sight - of brains and blood,
did finally take the valient beast's life.
After which i sighed, and burdened was
the breathe i exhaled; the power to take
life now rested in my hands, not a boy
i was, but now a man.

And i weep for innocence lost,
and for my sins upon the cross.

This attachment has been an extraordinary experience, and it has been an initiation of sorts. I just came back from a hunting expedition and I have mixed emotions after being exposed to death and actual killing. We killed 3 buffalos and I learnt how to shoot a rifle. We sneaked up behind a herd of buffalo down by a creek. Simon and his father (the hunters who took me)brought down 2 buffalos with a single shot each, after which they had to finish them off with a second shot to the head. The first shot startled the herd and they bolted in different directions, one charged just 10m away from me. It was a majestic beast, well-built, powerful and dangerous - with the capacity to gore a human to death. Niall (Simon's father and one of the hunters) took a shot with the Winchester Magnum, and I had to move out of his line of fire or risk getting hit by that monstrosity of a bullet.

Cleaning up after the chaos was sickening. It was heartwrenching to watch them shoot the calf and finishing off the buffalos - as they killed the mother, the calf would die of starvation sooner or later. Also amongst the dead was a pregnant cow, so it was quite saddening to see so much death abound. The brains and blood gushing from the mouth after the cow had been shot in the head was unnerving initially. Those movies with gun fights are lousy parallels to what I experienced. The impact of death and killing can only be realized when you actually witness or kill a being. Guns are also not a joke, the bullets that we used were hollow-points and fragmentation rounds meaning they penetrated and fragmented within the body causing massive internal collateral damage. Simply put, they enter your body and explode, mangling all the organs within. I shot a few rounds with those rifles and the trees burst almost instantaneously after the trigger was pulled.

The only consolation is that these animals are considered pests on the property and they destroy the land where the cattle graze. Still, the adrenaline of the hunt was amazing and it awakened this deep longing to be wild, to hunt and provide for my family, to explore, to fight; not to kill mindlessly but rather to be untamed, unbridled and to live dangerously. Singapore is so restrained indeed.

The whole experience is still so surreal for me. Upon reflection, death or suffering does not scare me, but having to watch something or someone suffer is unbearable. My dear Lord, forgive me, for how much have you suffered for me. I have a newfound respect for the life that I live - it was exchanged with blood, not of an animal as well - and the power to take life - death comes so easily, you just need to brace yourself for the gun recoil - after this experience.

Of Relationships, Loneliness and Melancholy

2009-12-05T22:54:00.001+08:00

Excerpts from a letter :)

Things in Australia are fun. It can get quite lonely at night though, after I finish all my household chores. Work is enjoyable, my colleague has boobs the size of your head and there is so much to learn and explore in the hospital. The guy I'm attached to, Steve, is extremely knowledgeable and he's been pumping me with alot on drugs and medical conditions. Sadly he speaks very fast and I don't catch most of what he's saying; damn also the Auzzie accent. :)

Regarding love, let's establish something first: friendship is the basis of all relationships, be it kinship, romantic loves and friendships themselves. They form the foundation for a deep relationship. In this sense, I guess distinguishing between a deep friendship and the other relationships is quite irrelevant. What is complicated is in relationships regarding the opposite gender is that if you spend excessive time with the other party, then the relationship is usually exists as a complex function of all the three aspects that you mentioned: genuine feelings, infatuation and deep friendship.

Although you may discredit infatuation, I beg to differ. I see it as quintessential to maintaining physical intimacy with the other party, and what's wrong with a little lust anyhow? :) But your right, the context matters much and the right to intimate physical union should only be exercized in a marriage. It's good that you constantly restrain yourself, because infatuation helps deepen a relationship, especially in the physical nodes.

By genuine feelings, I believe you mean not expecting any reciprocation in terms of returning what you have done for her, or is it non-sexual thoughts? If its the former then what you are idealizing is not a relationship but a fantasy because expectations are an essential part of a relationship. God expects us to become more like Him doesn't He? :) If its the latter, then you just confirmed that your a guy HAHA. I guess having 'genuine feelings' is more of an ideal and the question is not about having and maintaining 'genuine feelings' but rather how do you deal with your imperfect nature: by seeking God and not spending excessive time with her. :)

Regarding loneliness and melancholy, it is true that we are emotional people and we retreat whenever we feel threatened. Many a times, our emotions cloud our judgment and our perspective on things and this reaffirms the notion that we need to base our judgments on the truth which is God's word, hence the importance of spending time with God. :) I'm quite obsessed with this understanding - of what I shared with in cell regarding the greatest commandment - and I would like to share it with the rest of the church someday if given the opportunity. :)

One thing about loneliness and melancholy is it helps us consolidate our values and realign our perspectives. It's only when we feel this way that we see a need to withdraw, when something isn't right yea? I see loneliness and melancholy as an essential part of life because it helps me understand the will of God in the quiet of my heart. However, I have yet to quieten my soul and focus on Him throughout this trip. Pray for me on this alright? :)

Your right about expecting an intense encounter, it has brought to mind a very important lesson that God has taught me previously. We are emotional people, and emotions play an important role in our growth and learning. Indeed, I feel damn empty until I feel I have learnt something, emphasis is to be added on the feel part. However, the lesson I learnt is not to be misguided by these emotions and not to seek the emotional experience but rather the giver of these emotions - God. In Revelations, more specifically the letters to the churches, each letter follows a certain format:

1. A portrayal of Jesus with regard to the circumstances of the church i.e. how they should see Jesus in light of their circumstances

2. A commendation - with the exception of the church of Sardis (arguably) and Laodicea

3. A condemnation - a sin that they have committed

4. An exhortation - how they should respond

The church that spoke to me the most as I was preparing the lesson was Sardis. The lesson learnt was my understanding of the portrayal of Jesus: Him who holds the seven spirit of God (the Holy Spirit) and the seven stars (the angels, or the pastors of the church). What God revealed to me was the sevenfold spirit represented the spiritual experience, and the seven stars represented scriptural understanding, both of which are essential to spiritual growth. However, God is the one who controlled all these, and releases it in turn when He wishes to. Our job is simply just to position ourselves to receive from Him and to seek Him instead of all these.

2009-12-04T21:59:00.001+08:00

Father, I pray thee
Restore my heart in You.
'Tis a long time of quiet.

Quieten my heart I pray,
and help me to enjoy your presence.

Amen

2009-11-22T01:24:00.003+08:00

God please save me.
Save me from the pitfalls of melancholy.
I have lost all understanding of your word or your will.
God please save me.

I am indeed a wretch to ask in expectance of love so undeserved
but Father I cannot do anything but ask now.
I am broken, disillusioned, apathetic, entrapped in worldly ideals.
God please save me.

2009-10-17T04:31:00.002+08:00

david, you disgust me,
you bloody fool.

why are you so weak?

why are you so stupid?

why david, why?

2009-10-17T00:39:00.002+08:00

God, i feel so cheated by you.
you have promised me so much
yet at the same time,
i have nothing.

not even faith, forgive me.

2009-10-17T00:28:00.002+08:00

please God, take me away.
take me away from all this.

2009-10-12T21:55:00.004+08:00

i guess i'm really sheltered, for reality has just started to set in. or maybe not sheltered, but ignorant. after so many years, i'm finally coming to terms with the fact that things are about to move on, and so must i. we could look at our lives in phases, and one is definitely coming to an end for me, and so many things along with it.

lets review the different things that will come to an end:

1. the first and most prevalent part of my life that ceases to be is that of school as an institution that i know of. i am currently 18 years of age, and being in an institute of learning has occupied more than 3/4 of this since kindergarten, to primary school and progressing on to secondary school education and finally ending at junior college. although education is arguably a life long pursuit, school life is finite. the difference between schools and universities, i feel, is the atmosphere and culture. when we leave our alma mater, we essentially lose the luxury of seeing your acquaintances, friends, close friends at any point in time. there is a certain distance in universities, where one only knows ones faculty mates, where there is no orientation for the cohort, where there is no motivation or incentive to get to know another person. the atmosphere is more individualistic, and less inviting as compared to secondary school and junior college. One knows what one is going to do in university, and one just does what one needs to get done.

2. the impact that i will have in youth service will fade. its most saddening, for there will be fewer opportunities to impact people in church. it seems as though everything that i have worked towards, building up relationships, my cell will eventually pass on. i wonder sometimes, who would rise up to take my place, or will there even be someone else? but we live by faith, and although my time is up in this ministry, by faith i know God will sustain and build it up.

3. the friends. jc showed me who probably would grow old together with me, life long friends. people who i want to keep in touch with. it also allowed me to understand that as one grows older, ones pool of close friends gets smaller. it is tough to grasp, but its better than having no one at all :)

perhaps its best by ending with this:
do not worry about tomorrow, for sufficient are the worries of today

2009-09-30T00:11:00.001+08:00

Often

Ever so often, (and it is only a matter
of perspective) that i watch my jovial
compadre(s) fade into yet another white-lit
building, and left smiling, waving, hoping,
am i once again.

It comes again, where one in turn,
becomes the watcher, reserving his thoughts
and comments for the [elect] few that he
is most accustomed. Ironic, as the periods
of loneliness often trail periods with companionship.

Therein lies the fault of the argument, as one
begins to see, more clearly than he should have
through the mirky lenses of group-centred enjoyment:
the teeming pool of life that surrounds one.

And lament.

Children and their innocent neglect of all danger in play
Friends laughing incessently at each others lameness
Dates in strained homophobic self-awareness
Couples with their hands loosely secured in each others grip
And me, just me; and the tiles.

Other people conceive ingenious methods of keeping
loneliness at bay, so i noticed. hail
technology,music,SMSes,playstationportable,books,daydreams.
few stop to listen, to watch.

And few rejoice.

For few count their blessings in their loneliness.

2009-09-04T01:10:00.003+08:00

fuck.

something is just not right.
something i cannot pinpoint.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Ave, Ave, Ave

2009-09-01T16:22:00.002+08:00

perhaps the monster is just another part
of who i am. an extension grafted, skin-deep
but having taken root, it is beginning
to consume me alive.

i no longer dare to write,
for fear that my words are too lousy.
my gp flounders, thrashing like
a fish on land desperate for water.
and not because i cannot,
but because i can; and this
superiority complex consumes me.

i dare not be myself, that i
may hide my frail, decrepit body,
ravaged by the frivolity of each
tear-jerking moment.

damn you, david.
you disgust me, you are
just another simpleton, insignificant.
lies have been spun about the false
front you enamate, but you know better.
only you do.

but i see only in times like this,
a radiant light that shines through.
and i have the strength to be who i
am made to be.
for it is not by my strength that sustains,
but its God being made perfect in my weakness.

Amen.

sine qua non: my God

2009-08-22T21:54:00.003+08:00

restraint is the key to my salvation.
but yet, i cannot exercize any now.

not now, not until.

until i finally find you once again,
im utterly despondant.
sadness has whelmed my soul.

there is little hope left dear God
and whats left to speak of faith?

I am wishing for H1N1, my ticket
to collapse
and allow myself to fade away,
consumed in a 40 degree centigrate fever.
to escape. and i feel it coming soon.

there ill speak of no one.
and none shall speak to me.
isolation shall be
my reprisal for all i have wronged.

i am so far away God,
forgive me.

2009-08-13T23:17:00.001+08:00

i think this poem is quite apt now, although it was written sometime ago.

Saying grace.

He sat at the dinner table,
both hands apart
a separate utensil grasped
in each appendage
his dinner, now ready to start.

We must say grace,
he mumbled to himself
and each appendage nodded
in unison agreement:
we must commit this meal to God.

So he took in a deep breath
and though his body tensed,
he brought his hands together
in reverent worship
and closed his weary eyes.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
And...with those sacred
words being said,
he made his first incision.

Please bless this time,
that I spend with you.
He said, as he dragged
the knife along
his stomach.

Bless the food as well,
that it may nourish me.
Prayed he,
making yet another
vertical incision.

I remember the people who prepared this food
please bless them in all they do.
His voice was barely audible,
as he pulled down his knife,
- the final slit.

In Jesus name,
...
As he tore apart the unholy crucifix,
and his intestines spilled
onto the dinner plate,

his lips were stuck
and just before he died
he found that, ...that he
just could not say
"Amen"

In living by Faith

2009-08-03T01:24:00.002+08:00

Dear Lord,

It is hard to live by faith, because as time passes, even the simplest things become more uncertain. How can I be assured of the things that I once was so convinced, when now they seem so far out of reach? In my studies, Lord, I am so disappointed, for I can never seem to address the question, and no matter how much effort I put in, failure is beyond a certainty. Right now, I ask myself is it really Your will for me to become a shrink? Like a blossoming relationship, the euphoric high was so convincing. Is it really Your will, God? I am disappointed, depressed and on the verge of giving up. It seems pointless to continue, when all one does is simply shoot in the dark, trying to hit this small target of 5 As.

-to be continued

a long long way

2009-08-03T01:11:00.003+08:00

Dear God, why do you like to play with me so much?

That everytime I feel accomplished, these achievements all turn to naught.

Why can't you just let me feel good about myself?

Why did you create me in a way that allows me to get
close to people so easily?

Why have you tormented me with such emotional depth
that I am left unsatisfied most of the time?

Why have you blessed me with perception and intelligence
and yet I never seem to get things right?
that I never seem to score in exams?

Why God, why must You be so cruel to me?
Why can't life be just the way I wished?

But please see me through it all, for it is Your will.
For then I will taste and Approve of Your will,
Your Good, Pleasing and Perfect Will

(Romans 12:2)

2009-07-25T01:49:00.002+08:00

pray God, i know not why i'm sad.
where this cloud that hangs over me
i know not.
not why, not how.

not anything anymore,
not myself, not my words.
it tears me apart now,
it its immaculate way:
and i feel no pain,
no hurt, nothing.
just sadness.
and everything is repressed.

its not God,
its me.
who is this me now?
for there are just so many within.

2009-07-25T01:18:00.006+08:00

it is winter and the nights are colder,
i pray someone, anyone, please
spare some thought for the matchstick girl.
her clothings are worn,
old, tattered and torn,
her shoes, she has none,
and barefooted she tiptoes
on the frozen cornerstones.
Please, dear sir, buy some matchsticks from me.
Please. Some matchsticks for your fire.

Please, someone? Anyone?
Please spare some thought for the matchstick girl.

2009-07-17T18:54:00.003+08:00

sometimes,
you wonder was it all in folly,
when you decide to love someone.
not only as a lover, but in all sense of the word
for once surrendered, the heart only becomes a source of pain.
your expectations, they become naught,
your wants, nothing
its hard to give and expect nothing in return.

Jesus how did you do it?

its hard to watch and pray, and hope everything turns out well
if you are just not the one to do anything for them.
incapacity is painful.
pain is relative, pain is overwhelming.
pain is also subtle, pain it creeps in slowly, when all seems well.
Then something goes amiss, and gently, surely everything begins to collapse.

so many things seem to dull,
and i become self-consumed.
it is myopic to watch the world from within
one's shell, and see nothing but your own struggles
and not the joy, the beauty, not being able to live.

but theres certainty through all this,
you need God now more than ever.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13
how difficult it is to love.

2009-07-17T18:37:00.004+08:00

O God, i'm falling once again.
the world snapped open, and has
swallowed me whole.
Forgive me God, for I have brought this
upon myself.
Now trapped in this prison, a
darkness pervades, and my
only hope is you.
Please save me Lord, for I am weak
and weary, I have no strength
but yours.
I cry out for you, there is no other
that can rescue me.
Come to my rescue, O Lord, this
crushing defeat I can take no longer.
I am in desperate need of Grace,
I desire to be in your presence.
Let me be yours once again.

2009-06-12T02:50:00.001+08:00

the amaranthine

if men could behold the crimson
rose, and marvel at its beauty divine
so could i, as i stared endlessly
at the amaranthine

the fleeting wisps of the odious wind
as they lash unbridled against the world
but waver not, the buds of the amaranthine
when faced with such monstrosity

pain, and time again, as it watches
the world slowly fade in its ephemeral
beauty, but stand firm with steady
feet, the amaranthine against all time

2009-05-17T23:21:00.002+08:00

i am speechless.
speechless,
speechless,
speechless,
but i know something is not right.

perhaps i am tired. perhaps not.
i do not yet know.

and therefore, i am speechless.
where are you, my heart?
where have you hidden nowadays?

Please God, make this go away

2009-05-17T22:42:00.002+08:00

patience, the drips won't last forever

a great pillar growing downwards,
as the drips collect at the
foot of its throne.
and screams of agony, as the drips
caress its fragile buds.

icy, bitter - the frost-bitten drips -
as the sun rises against pleated yellow
sheets of clouds. and the frost wanes.
and herald the drips...

sons of the icicle, pray stop thy cold heart,
from its terrible beatings.
enough, it strangles the very life from
the roots. the cold, the ice.
growth is frozen from the inside.
stop, i say!
or my buds will stale.
and my beauty ruined.
my life and my reputation, they
preceed me. stop my friends. stop.

ah, crowning glory of creation.
why do you strain
to birth thy own purpose now?
grow, tall and strong,
but what ever for except
thy future children, not thy
frival name. but lie still dear,
it is far from your time
to awake. it is not time yet.
not yet.

nay, my stem is cold, and my roots
are resolute. they stop for no one
and the very sense of time, they create.
nothing shall hinder my own
posterity. not every you, the frost king.

then patience, dear friend,
the drips won't last forever.
goodnight, and stay strong.

Who has turned against who?

2009-04-16T21:58:00.003+08:00

Abraham

its been three days since you spoke.
to me, Father.
[What shiny rocks!]
you have not carried me, instead,
you clutch that dagger to your breast.
[Do you love the dagger more than me?]
so tightly, Father, you hold that weapon
to your heart.

What are you doing with those stones, Father?
Come, play with me now
[Birds, Father, Look]
You told me that we would be going to a fun place,
And you would play with me all day long.
Hurry...

why Father, do you always
look away from me now?
[But see there, a plant ]
with those tear-shot
[I have not seen before! Let go of me.]
[Stop trying to hug me!]
eyes, then your dagger.

i love you too Father.
[Why are you tying me to the altar, Father?]
you don't have to tell me that.
why are you holding the knife over me?

'Close your eyes, Son'
'Stop opening them'

There was a scream, and Isaac
stopped twitching after awhile.
And in the distance, the sacrificial ram
bellowed a tribute.

As God turned his head away in sadness.

life

2009-03-08T21:42:00.002+08:00

lets ask a question: who ever deserved life?

no one. it wouldnt be given if it was earned prior to birth. :)

and it made me stop to think, what exactly am i put on earth 4? ultimately it wont be me who feels painful or sad over my own demise.

i guess since life is not a given - it is not something we deserve - then its not ours per se. and yes, life was never ours, we are just stewards of this body for a greater purpose. for God, for others.

God, please.
reveal yourself to me.
i know i am not broken,
at least not yet. but God
please let me be broken.
let me know who you are.
i want to know who you are
once again let me be nothing.

To the person who Passes Through

2009-01-25T22:26:00.003+08:00

Passing Through said...
My friend, It's all to do with your hormones. It's part of a passing phase and it is during this time that you will feel angry with yourself, your family and all those around you. You may not even like yourself or others. All of us went through this phase. The question is not so much how to control it but how to deal with it as it comes. Just like a solder down in the trenches facing a barrage of artillery fires raining down on him, he is fearful, angry and alone. He could only see the fear, smoke and the destruction surrounding him. But if he would be focus through all that chaos, he would see that there are all his buddies beside him all the time. Your family with you all the time, you may think that they don't understand but they do. You may think that they don't listen but they do. The smoke and fire ragging inside and outside is blocking you from the true view of the situation. And just the barrage of artilleries it would go away. Moods will swing back to normal. The character is build when one learns to disciples and control himself in the mist of this ragging anger and frustration.
8:49 AM

Passing Through said...
Hello Kiddo, Feeling high one moment and depressed at another? Can't understand why you are in such swings of moods?It all part of growing up! No one tells me about this while I'm growing up but it is just like when you encountered a storm. You keep your head down, find somewhere to hide until it blow over. Well, same thing with your raging emotions. Just keep your head down, retreat to your inner side and be still until it blows over. Don't fret, be anxious or angry with yourself, it will soon pass....And as you grow older, you'll find that the spouts of emotional rage will get less and less until you'll find that you can control and manage it instead of it managing you. May the force be with you!!!
12:45 PM

Anonymous said...
Friend, There is a question that goes like this: "When you feel that God is far away, who do you think had moved?" The answer is obvious isn't it not? When the stress starts building up,pressure piling, irritation increasing and temper rising. What do you do? The best reaction is to withdraw into quietness, stop all the activity for a brief moment and pray for God's wisdom to handle the tasks given to you. You will be surprise how God can multiply your efficiency and effectiveness to accomplish what you can't do on your strength. Hand the tasks at hand over to God and ask him to help you with it. Sit back and watch how you fly on wings of eagles. It happen to me and I am sure it will happen to you....God bless and take are, my friend!
Passing Through

Anonymous said...
You know something sonny, I'm sure glad that you are touched by God. But there is an important lesson from the Bible that you need to ground yourself in though. First, Peter deny the Lord three times and yet Jesus forgive him. How about the adulterous Samaritan woman who gave a drink to Jesus? And the parable of the wayward son? All these point to a critical issue, that God will forgive us no matter how what sins we had done when we come before him in humility. And what sins and shame had you bear as compared to these witnesses?And the second point is that the emotional touch from God as he forgives and surrounds you will pass. Feelings will rise and fall like the tide, but the Lord's forgiveness is always there whether you feel it or not. Just acknowledge and thank him always because His Grace is sufficient all the time....
Passing Through

Anonymous said...
Hello friend,Long time since I pass this way. You want to know how a person really becomes humble? It's when you realize how weak, vulnerable and incapable you're! It's knowing that you CAN'T and that you have to bend your knees and hand it over to God who CAN!How can you don't see that???Well, someone says something about infatuation that makes a lot of sense. The reason why a person had to deal with hurts arising from a broken infatuation is because God is doing a work on his/her life to make that person more mature! So, going by that, God is doing a work on that girl's life - not yours!!
Passing Through...

I love you, daddy. All these words of advice have really seen me through those years.

its been sometime since sth like this :D

2009-01-25T22:12:00.003+08:00

- Pick your birth month.
- Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
- Bold the five-ten qualities that best apply to you.
- Copy to your own journal, with all twelve

I tag:
Nicky (stop writing random crap) :D
Corn
Andrew Tham
Joshua Ang
Nicole Chee
Shermine
Lei Can
Jessica Chow

i cant strike out so ill just use a different font colour. and the bold wasnt too obvious so i used a larger font.

MARCH:
Attractive personality.
Sexy.
Affectionate.
Shy and reserved.
Secretive.
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic.
Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others.
Loves to serve others.
Easily angered.
Trustworthy.
Appreciative and returns kindness.
Observant and assesses others.
Revengeful.
Loves to dream and fantasize.
Loves traveling.
Loves attention.
Hasty decisions in choosing partners.
Loves home decors.
Musically talented.
Loves special things.
Moody.

weird, its really like describing me.

JANUARY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

in loving God

2009-01-24T11:57:00.003+08:00

O God how great you are
and how worthy is your name
to be praised.
My fingers tremble as they
write this, for how unworthy
am i to know of your grace
and goodness. And much less receive
the same grace and goodness.
How great you are O God,
how great you are.

You know both the heavens
and the earth, and life was
birth at the words you spoke.
You know the hearts of man
the deceit that lies within his
heart, and the capacity that he
has to love and to forgive,
for you have created us in the image
of yourself.
How wonderful you are O Lord,
how wonderful you are.

The very Earth you have created
for the sake of mankind.
You set the stars in each of their
places, every single one perfectly
placed. The moon, the sun, all in
alignment. This all done for the sake
of we whom are so undeservingly saved.
How wretched we are O Lord,
how wretched we are.

Yet you have devised life, as a gift
for us to enjoy, in the safety of your
providence, and your purpose.
For you know the future and its uncertainties,
you know every single thing has is yet to happen.
And every single event that
comes to pass, is but
a part in the grandness in your plan.
Everything was destined for
the fulfillment of your will.
Your good, pleasing and perfect will.
How marvellous you are O Lord,
how marvellous you are.

In creating us God, you knew
the darkness that would arise,
for you know we were not like you.
you knew that disobedience would come,
and you have foreseen it, before the
beginning of time. You knew we could be
tempted, and you knew we could be swayed;
for you have given us free choice.
As so we could choose to remain in
your presence, and enjoy your good,
please and perfect will. Yet,
you still gave us life and you resigned
to settling for less than first place,
in the lives of those who revelled in sin;
despite how much you love them
and knew how much better it was for them,
to submit to your will.
How awesome you are O Lord,
how awesome you are.

As they chose sin over you Lord,
your heart never turned against them,
no matter how jealous you were.
You hated their sin O lord,
you hated their sin. But you always
were willing to forgive
as long as they turned from
their sinful ways. You knew
that they were only killing themselves
by turning from you, and creating
idols before you as they flourished.
For who is man to know how to live
his own life, without the guidance of God.
Who is man to know the ways that will
benefit him with his short-sighted
self-staisfying desires.
Yet you still loved them O Lord,
even though they rebelled,
you still loved them.
How merciful are you O Lord,
how merciful are you.

And as their hearts grew numb towards you
through a continual depravation of
their carnal state, you knew that
something had to be done, if everyone
were to come to know you, and experience
your grace and goodness. For they had been
raised in evil by their fathers, and not
knowing what was sin and God.
And you O God, are holy and righteous,
without sin and of a standard that
we can never understand. For what are
the deeds of man compared to the
righteousness of God, but filthy rags.
All this you knew, and all this you
have foreseen. And with a heavy heart,
you took your son, and tied him to a
tree, and there you slaughtered him.
You finished the job that Abraham was
tasked with his own son for your
glory; you did it with yours.
You crushed him, and you were pleased,
for it was for your glory.
How unworthy we are Lord,
how unworthy we are.

And your son, Jesus Christ,
the risen Lord, the lamb that was slain.
He knew that all love and honour,
belong to you O God, he knew.
And he submitted himself to your will,
for he knew that it was for the glory
of the Father, that was deserving of
being exalted high. Despite the pain,
and despite the suffering, he bore the
nails that hung him on that cross.
How lovely are you Jesus,
how lovely are you.

Now with your Holy Spirit living in us,
for the work of Christ has been finished,
the Father's love has been made complete.
We are all reconcilled with Father,
and made heirs in our own rights.
Justified not by deeds, not by the law,
for the law is fallible; but by faith
and by the blood of Jesus Christ, poured
forth in substitute of our own.
How glorious you are O Lord,
how glorious you are.

As I reflect on the goodness of your
hand, indeed, everything belongs to you
O God, everything belongs to you. We are
but stewards of this body that we live in,
struggling with our own desires and seeking
to do your will. You know all this Lord,
you have known it before the beginning of time.
And with unrequited love being show to us,
we know not how to respond, for we are imperfect,
and we do not know anything O God.
How shameful we are O Lord,
how shameful we are.

But you have taught us how we should respond,
in your Word, that you have left with us.
You call for submission of the entire being,
not just in mind, but in emotion, and in spirit.
You call for us to submit,
not only what we want to do,
but our attitudes as well,
and all in reverence to you.
How impossible it is O Lord,
how impossible it is.

But you are there, the Alpha and Omega,
beginning and the end, you have always been.
You have promised that you will fight for us,
and you will never leave us nor forsake us.
And as we seek to do your will,
you will fight for us. Against our our own
wills and desires, as long as he who
puts his hand to the plough,
chooses not to look back. And so come all
who are weary and heavy laden,
for the battle is not ours to fight.
All we need is to remain in God,
to be weak and humble before Him,
and he will fight for us. And how you
desire this O God, that you will remove your
presence, in order that we may recognize
how inadequate we are and in need of you,
that we may return in brokenness.
In our vulnerability, and weakness,
your glory is made most perfect.
And as I think about your name,
I can naught but say this:
How great are you O God,
how great is your name.

what is the gospel?

2009-01-13T23:04:00.002+08:00

John 2:23-25

Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. 24 But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people 25 and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.

Remember that the aim of John’s Gospel is that people might believe in Jesus. John 20:31: “These are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.” This has been underlined several times in chapters 1 and 2.

John’s Task: Belief in Jesus
In John 1:12, John says, “To all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” After the miracle of turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana, John says, “This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him” (John 2:11). Then after he drove the moneychangers out of the Temple and said, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up,” John comments, “His disciples remembered that he had said this, and they believed the Scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken” (John 2:22).

So John is on task. He is writing with a view to helping people see the glory of the Son of God, experience his grace, and believe on him as the Son of God and supreme treasure of their lives and have eternal life.

Some Belief Is Not Saving
In view of this, John 2:23-25 has an unsettling effect. What it says, in essence, is that Jesus knows what is in every heart, and so he can see when someone believes in a way that is not really believing. In other words, Jesus’ ability to know every heart perfectly leads to the unsettling truth that some belief is not the kind of belief that obtains fellowship with Jesus and eternal life. Some belief is not saving belief.

So there are two things to focus on here. First is the glory of the omniscience of Jesus. And the second is the discovery that there is a kind of faith in Jesus that he does not approve and does not accept.

1) The Glory of Jesus’ Omniscience
First, then, we focus on the glory of Christ in his omniscience. Remember we are being guided by John 1:14 and 16—“The Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. . . . And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” This is what John wants us to see—the glory of the only Son from the Father and how, coming down that laser beam of spiritual sight, grace upon grace comes into our lives.

What glory of the Son of God do we see in today’s text? We see it at the end of verse 24 and in all of verse 25: “But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.”

Three statements. First, the sweeping general statement in 2:24: “he knew all people.” Second, the specific application of that statement to people’s private, inner life in 2:25: “he himself knew what was in man.” Third, the implication of that in 2:25: “he needed no one to bear witness about him.”

Jesus Knows All About All People
So the doctrine we may draw from this is that Jesus knows all about all people. No person is excluded from his knowledge, and no part of our life is excluded from his knowledge. He knows everybody—and everything about everybody. Here’s what Jesus will say in John 6:64: “There are some of you who do not believe.” And John adds, “For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.” The heart of Judas was open before Jesus. Jesus was not surprised when his betrayal came.

Let this truth about Jesus sink into your heart. If you have ever been impressed with any man’ knowledge about people or wisdom in discerning motives and explaining actions and predicting behaviors—if any character in fiction or person in history or living counselor or scholar has ever impressed you, the knowledge of Jesus should be infinitely more impressive.

No Secrets from Jesus
Perhaps the glory of his omniscience will come home to us more fully if we draw out a few personal implications. It means that there are no complete secrets in your life. You may have succeeded in hiding something all your life from everyone on this earth. But you have not hidden it from Jesus. The person who matters most knows most. The person whose judgment about you is all important knows all. Let that sink in. You are totally known. Totally. There is not the slightest part of your heart unknown to Jesus, at this hour, and every hour.

Therefore, there is always at least one person you must relate to who knows everything about you. You may be able to look at others in the face and know that they do not know certain things about you. This shapes your relationship. But there is one who when you look him in the face sees totally through you. If you relate to him at all, you relate as one utterly laid bare. Utterly known. What an amazing relationship! There is one, and only one, who actually and totally knows you. Nobody else even comes close. Your spouse’s knowledge of you, or your best friend’s knowledge of you, compares to Jesus’ knowledge of you like first-grade math to quantum mechanics. You are fully known by one person, Jesus Christ.

One Human Who Knows
Therefore, you always have someone to go to for help in knowing who you are. One of the great longings of the human soul is to understand ourselves. Who are we? What is our nature? What sort of being are we? What is our deepest thought and feeling? What are our true and deepest motives? What are the relationships deep inside of me between knowing and feeling and willing and doing?

There is one human who knows the complete answer to all these questions: Jesus Christ. Do you recall Peter’s three answers to Jesus’ question after the resurrection, “Do you love me?” Jesus asked him three times, probably because Peter had denied Jesus three times. Peter said the first time, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said the second time, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said the third time, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you” (John 21:15-17). There is always one person who knows your heart perfectly. Knows it better than you do. Jesus Christ.

One Who Is Always Willing to Love You
Therefore, you always have a person who is willing to love you, knowing absolutely everything about you. The reason I say he is “willing to love you” is that Jesus has a special covenant love for those who trust him. He doesn’t love everybody in the same way. Listen to the way he prays in John 17:9, “I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.” In other words, Jesus intercedes for those whom the Father has given him. These are his friends. These are his disciples. These are his sheep. These are the children of God. These are those who are born again. These are those who believe. And are you in that number?

“To all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). If you receive him, there will always be one person who will love you knowing everything, absolutely everything about you. You will say with the disciples in John 16:30, “We know that you know all things and do not need anyone to question you; this is why we believe that you came from God.”

I pray that this glimpse of the glory of the omniscience of the only Son of the Father will move you to admire him more than anyone, and love and trust him and follow him.

2) Faith That Jesus Doesn’t Accept
We said there are two things we should focus on in this today’s text: The first is the glory of the omniscience of Jesus. Now the second is the discovery that there is a kind of faith in Jesus that he does not approve. This is the implication of his omniscience that John focuses on. He draws out the implication that when Jesus looks into the heart of those who believed, he sees something other than the kind of faith that makes you a child of God.

Remember John 1:12 says, “To all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). And here in John 2:23 it says, “Many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing.” It seems Jesus should be thrilled. But he’s not. Verse 24 says, “But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people.” This is not the way he treats his own sheep whom he calls by name, his own disciples. When Jesus withholds himself from them, he is saying that they are not believing in a saving way. They are not the children of God. They are not doing John 1:12. Whatever their faith is, Jesus does not approve.

Not All That Looks Like Faith Is Really Faith
John is still on task here. The aim of his book is “that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name” (John 20:31). So it’s crucial that John clarify that not all that looks like faith is really faith. It is unsettling. But that’s the way life is. Better to have Jesus point this out, and help us come to terms with it, than discover it on our own when it may be too late.

What’s wrong with their faith? Are there clues here? Yes, there are. The first clue is the reference to signs and what Jesus says about this elsewhere. And the second clue is that this incident is mentioned as an introduction to the story of Nicodemus that comes next. Nicodemus is probably supposed to represent the people (of John 2:23) who believe in one sense but not in the way Jesus approves.

The Faith of Nicodemus
Take the clue of Nicodemus first. Remember chapter divisions are added later. Don’t pay much attention to them. John 2:25 ends, “For [Jesus] himself knew what was in man.” And the next verses say, “Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, ‘Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him’” (John 2:25-3:2).

I think this is the kind of faith Jesus sees in the people: “We know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him” (3:2). This is a great statement of faith. It’s what some pious Jews believe about Jesus. It’s what Muslims believe. It is a very high view of Jesus. He is “from God.” God is “with him.” What he does are “signs” of God’s power in him. This is significant faith.

Signs Meant to Point to Jesus
But it is not saving faith. Nicodemus was not born again. That is the point of John 3:1-8. Nicodemus, with all his faith, needed to be born again. Nicodemus had no spiritual life. What he had seen was entirely natural, not spiritual. He was still spiritually blind. He did not see through the signs to the glory of the only Son of God. He only saw the signs, and they were so impressive that the natural mind drew the conclusion they must involve God.

Notice the reference to signs in John 2:23—this is now the second clue about what’s wrong with the faith of John 2:23—“Many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing.” They believed when they saw the signs. Signs were meant to point people to the true Son of God and what he stood for. But many saw the signs and did not see what they stood for.

The Faith of Jesus’ Brothers
Take Jesus’ brothers as an example in John 7:3-5. “So his brothers said to him, ‘Leave here and go to Judea, that your disciples also may see the works you are doing. For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.’ For not even his brothers believed in him” (John 7:3-5).

That is totally surprising! Verse 5 is given as the reason his bothers wanted him to go do his miracles to get some attention in Judea! It was because they did not believe in him. They knew he worked miracles. They believed that. They were excited about it, and they wanted him to go public and get the attention he deserved. That, John says, is unbelief. Why?

The Humility of Saving Faith
The explanation is found in John 5:44: “How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” Deep down inside—where Jesus could see and no one else could—his brothers loved the glory of man. And they saw Jesus, the miracle worker, as their chance for a day in the sun. They would ride on his coattails into the limelight of human admiration.

In other words, real, saving faith in Jesus is a humble thing. It’s what broken people do. Not what power-lovers do, or popularity-lovers, or sign-and-wonder-lovers.

The Danger of Sign-Seeking
O how precarious it is to be a sign-seeker. So many people today run from one set of signs and wonders to the next. They crave the spectacular. They follow the latest sign worker. Till he leaves his wife. Or flies away in his jet with everybody’s money. Jesus is warning against this. Here is what he said in Matthew 24:24: “False christs and false prophets will arise and perform great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the elect.”

They will do real signs. Stunning miracles. And what will the sign-seekers do then? They will fall away from following Christ. But did they not have faith? A kind of faith. That is what Jesus is warning us against here for our own souls.

Attracted Only to Signs and Wonders?
Let’s let the apostle Paul have the last word of Scripture. He describes the end times like this in 2 Thessalonians 2:9-10: “The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and lying1 signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.” There will be signs and wonders in the last days before Jesus comes. They will be real. And they will be lying—full of deception. And many who profess faith in Christ—a kind of faith, and unreal faith, a faith that does not love the truth—will switch that faith from Jesus, the sign-worker (as they view him) to another sign-worker who seems more impressive. And they will perish.

So the issue today (as we bring the two halves of the sermon together) is: Is your faith based on a spiritual sight of the glory of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth? Do you see Christ and his cross as compellingly glorious? Or are you only attracted to signs and wonders?

The Cross as His Greatest Glory
Let me close with one word about the cross of Christ—the death of Christ. You would think that a man who can see perfectly into the heart of every soul and know what everyone is thinking and feeling and planning—you would think that such a man could move through life by avoiding all human danger. He can simply see all thoughts of ill-will and get out of reach. That’s true. He could. If that was his plan.

But it wasn’t Jesus’ plan. He knew what was in man—including Judas (John 6:64). And so he chose when and where and how and why he would die. And he did it for you. If you see him and his cross as the greatest glory and believe on him, the Lamb of God takes away all your sins, you will have eternal life. He is a glorious Savior. Amen.

1 The ESV’s “false signs and wonders” gives the impression that they are tricks and not real miracles. That’s not the meaning behind the phrase “of lies” in the original (Greek pseudous). The meaning is that they are real but that they lie. They deceive. They lead people astray.

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2009/3487_He_Knew_What_Was_in_Man/#_ftnref1

For all my life spent as a Christian, I am still only beginning to understand the gospel. This sermon helps piece alot of queries into perspective.

Firstly, the gospel is NOT a means to an end, meaning it is not for our own fulfilment. It was never for our own benefit, although the benefits flow richly, it was for God's fulfilment of His will. We believe, not because we can have eternal life, not because we want the blessings from God; it IS because we want to see his will done on Earth as in Heaven. That is the true gospel of Jesus Christ. It is vindictive, because then what rights do we have? What say do we have in our lives then? It is has been argued that our body belongs to us, and is our right to life, but the implication of the gospel Is that we have nothing, own nothing, and are nothing. we r alive for no other reason except for God's will, that is the implication of the gospel. But we accept it because we have none in the first place, being undeservingly saved by grace.

Secondly, the purpose of my love and belief in God has to be God alone. True, He has done many wonderous signs and worked countless miracles. True, he has loved us and given us undeserving grace through the sacrifice of his own son. True, he has been, is, and always will be there for us provided we turn to Him. However, the question still remains: what is my purpose for loving and believing in Him? Is there an ulterior motive, for my own selfish intent - so i will do well in school, socially etc.? I believe that as long as our love for Him is built on a dependency on Him, from an UNDERSTANDING and RECOGNITION of how poor we are in spirit, then that is really loving God for who He is. Many people think of God as a tyrant, because they simply do not understand how wretched and how despicable they themselves are, for the holiness of man are like filthy rags in the presence of God. They do not understand how holy God is and how wretched we are in comparison to Him.

Thirdly, the gospel calls for the surrender of all the entire being. There is always a reason or excuse we can think of to avoid submitting our wills to God's, and it is ALWAYS with selfish intent - I JUST DON'T WANT TO. That is the crux of the gospel. Are we willing to yield our entire beings to suffer just the same way that Christ suffered for us. He, knowing all things, the will of man included, before the beginning of time, how could he not know that he was going to be crucified? Yet he still submitted to the will of the Lord and suffered so that God's will could come to pass. True, we all have free choice, and we all know that we can choose not to. Then the question i pose to you is this: after he has done so much for a wretched person like you, why not you selfish fool?

The bible says that there are only two routes: the narrow path to righteousness, and the wide path of destruction. If we do not choose to submit and surrender, then we have just chosen the path of destruction, for the bible says that not all that calls me (Jesus Christ) Lord, Lord (with a double emphasis) shall enter into the Kingdom of God (Luke 13:22). The only reason why they do not enter the Kingdom of God is because they do not yield their spirit to His, even though they know about His grace and His goodness. Are you actively submitting yourself to God today?

water

2008-12-27T21:37:00.005+08:00

i love water, for sadness and tears are so cleverly hidden in its bountiful presence, be it in the bathtub or the swimming pool. however, there has to be at least a substantial amount or flow to caress your face. it then consumes your pain and sorrow, and drowns the salinity of your tears in its giant mass.

it sympathizes with you, as the overcast sky begins to break, as it beats down on your back in great torrents, as though saying, 'cheer up dear brother, the sun will be out again.'

water does not fight back. it does not hurt when your fist connects with it, and the cold, wet sensation douses anger and frustration. it slowly morphs its shapeless form into a massive upward explosion, so virile, so potent, yet collapses ever so gently on your tear-stricken face. you can scream till your lungs burst from exhaustion in its vacuous mass and it will still be silent.

it is ever so calm, stately and peaceful; so soothing with its gentle rhythm - the lapping of the waves against the sand-strewn beach, the ever-widening ripples in a pond, your swimming pool as the water leaps in and out of the drains surrounding it, the pitter-patter of raindrops on the parched ground.

it is silent, still and feeling, never asking, always accomodating, always gentle, always receiving, always giving.

i love water.

to become more like Christ

2008-12-24T00:55:00.002+08:00

there will always be this emptinesss that gnaws at the very core of my being, whenever God is absent that is.

i want to become more like Christ, and will become like Christ, holy and righteous someday. till then, i am glad that i can suffer and understand just a little of what it took Him to redeem us.

today as we sprinted 800m. after 400m my body was tired, and i let up the pace, only to finish 1 lap behind the others. i felt so guilty as i could draw the parallel between my spiritual walk and this very training. it was sickening to know in spite of how tired i was, i still had the potential to finish this well.

i will definitely make mistakes and fail terribly again. but now regardless of how tired i am, i will push myself to finish this race, for i know greater is He that is in me than He who is in the world.

this maxim i chanted throughout the next 400m, as we did averaged 16 seconds per lap: i want to become more like Christ. Truly i do, just that i have to surrender my will to Him, and let Him drive me, just as my body went on autopilot during that arduous sprint.

To you God, i commit myself once again, to be led by your spirit.

In Jesus Name, Amen

If I say I love God, what do I love?

2008-12-19T00:52:00.003+08:00

there are many reasons why we love God, and so i have learnt, and most of them are for our own self-gratitude.

What do we love about God? Is it we love Him and Him alone, or is there something else behind loving Him - a motive perhaps?

Something that I learnt throughout Rhema, is that God is deserving of all love. That for one is true. Secondly, why we love God is because he loves us, so much, so much.

And really, it is so passionate, His love for us.

I have really been blessed by Rhema 08, because i understand how deep and how vast is his love for us. i saw the nail pierced hands stretched out towards us, and i now i seek to bless others with the same nail pierced hands.

Love comes regardless of the cost, it flows regardless of pain and suffering; in fact it thrives in pain.

Lord, help me to love you more and to grow in my capacity to love you. Lord, help me also to love others in the same way you loved me.

the watcher

2008-11-28T23:46:00.001+08:00

the watcher - with my eyes

that night, i captured the details
of each of your faces with my eyes.
each curvature; the pale
hues of your beautiful makeup;
even that mismatched outfit;

so out of place, as we sat
besides each other,
our backs framed by the
darkness of nights, enjoying
the friendly parley.

i captured with my eyes,
the memories, that make up
the person who watched,
and savoured in the
beauty of that moment.

and when the time
that so cruelly erodes, the
bonds of physical closeness
comes to pass;

that image of joy recreated,
as replayed day after night
after day, becoming assimilated
into the core of my being.
bringing a faint smile to those
lips, as the sad passing of life
and time simultaneously take place.

2008-11-03T22:42:00.005+08:00

if it should come to pass,
and i pray it would,

that your gentle
lips should meet mine,
then even death would come
as such
a sweetening blow,
as a tired head

craves its pillow.

change

2008-09-19T15:41:00.003+08:00

the thing about growing up is that it entails change. change is subtle, change is direct, change is a new way of looking at something old.

that is change.

im changing and it scares me. im becoming a different person entirely. i have essentially isolated myself from everyone emotionally and spiritually and i have gotten used to this isolation. it is now a part of me to be alone, people occasionally by my side, but never besides. i am used to it now. i am changing. i am somewhat changed.

i cry as i think about this.

God is distant.
Man is distant.
I feel no connection with anyone whatsoever.
People come, people go.
There is only work to be done.
More work.
More work.
More work.
More work.
More work.
More work.
and More work.
my world is small.
it just seems as though
there is only work and i.

life is just so dead now.
so dead...

2008-09-14T14:56:00.000+08:00

Accountability frees us to grow and change and is an important part of every relationship.
Accountability -- giving someone who loves you the permission to "reel you in" when they see you headed in a dangerous direction.
When we willingly make ourselves accountable to others, we are creating a hedge of protection that ultimately yields boundaries, parameters or behavioral lines that should not be crossed.
Honestly, most of us have experienced very little accountability in life because at the heart of being accountable to someone is the willingness to be submissive to them. We have abused the concept of submission. It was never intended to be demeaning and does not involve slavery in any form. Submission is protection and an intentional willingness to consider first the desires and wishes of another before our own.

God places others in our lives to see things that we cannot see, to encourage and build up, to correct, love and protect, but still, we tend to view accountability as a crutch and submission as a weakness. Submission is harnessed strength, a controlled strength that is born out of obedience to God's command. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Ephesians 5:21)
Jesus submitted Himself to the will of His father. He willingly laid down His desires and dreams, His plans and hopes in total submission. Out of that total surrender came the most powerful life ever lived. When we willingly submit ourselves to God and choose to make ourselves accountable to others, we will experience a freedom and power we have never known before.

God did not create us to live alone. We were created to need each other -- for many reasons -- one of the most important being accountability. It is much easier to make the wrong choices and to take the wrong turns when no one is watching. I often wonder how many marriages have failed, how many friendships have been destroyed, or how many lives have been wasted because there was no accountability.

2008-09-02T16:12:00.002+08:00

The Clockwork Man

He, the clockwork man,
of metal and spring,
was nothing more,
and nothing less;
with silver and tin,
in flora-esque design,
jutting out,
of his hollow left breast.
It was a key,
a large silver key.
[and with it, wound the springs]
that turned with them
the clicking and clacking
of machinery,
that moved the clockwork man.

Magnum Opus - the glory of creation -
was he, the clockwork man;
for he was the world,
and the world was one with him.
His metal skeletal frame
stood proud and tall,
bearing his head high above all
his dominance.
Clothed in flesh,
and supported by the toughest sinew,
he gazed upon the world
through his fine glass eyes;
glazing, reflective,
captured the world in his soul.

And he stood proudly,
firm and strong;
weathering the elements,
unbacked,
unmoved by the thought of
pain and suffering
(for he was by essense flesh,
and so felt the same sensations
as any man would.)
And he was hardened towards
all sensation, a numbness
one beheld in his glass eye.

But he was the world,
and the world was one with him.
O, what a small world
then was he.
And whilst beholding the dearth
of many a people,
with his hand grasped firmly,
the essence of his clockwork life
- his large silver key,
his right wrist flicked several times,
and he walked away into the world.

of being right and wrong

2008-08-28T21:54:00.004+08:00

I was thinking, why is it man qualifies his decisions in rights and wrongs? Is there a specific need to know that he is doing the right thing? What is this need then? It is probably a need to be secure in his self-righteousness, to preserve his pride, which results in a sense of peace.

Morality and ethics were devised to ensure that man was making the "right" choice in all his decisions regarding others. Truth is another absolute that man uses to verify the righteousness of his judgment. And upon this justice is built.

Why is man so full of himself?

Ah misanthropy, why plague me thus?

God how do you love, and how do you receive love.

the final goodbye

2008-08-27T00:41:00.004+08:00

everything in life boils down to the parting. Goodbye is a standard prefix to the dearth of something good. Goodbye is finality itself and although there can be many, there is always a final one.

I realize I have been searching for a companion, one with whom there would be no goodbyes. Although theres always God, its sad to understand that such a person will never be found, and theres no assurance in anything to do with mankind. People make me sad, and I find little solace being around them. All the words that end with ship, relationship, friendship, they all disgust me. Because ultimately man is still self-serving. I am so disillusioned with people now, they make me tired.

In the gas theory, an ideal gas is one where the molecules have no inter-molecular attraction, is said to occupy no volume whatsoever. Sadly, life is far from idea, and in order to maintain such a scenario, we set the container at high temperatures and low pressure. High temperatures to ensure that the molecules lose little energy when they collide with one another, and low pressures to ensure a large volume, rendering the volume of the molecule negligible.

How apt. Ideal people are like such gas molecules. They need no one. Being driven individuals, whatever excess energy imparted to them or lost to other molecules is negligible. And they keep far away from each other to ensure minimal contact with other molecules.

How apt indeed.

wow

2008-08-26T00:08:00.001+08:00

Weekly Wisdoms for the week of August 25, 2008
Every problem is an opportunity to trust God.

We all experience difficulties, problems, and trials throughout life. Usually, we also look for ways to solve those problems. All of the various solutions basically ask one of these two questions: "What can I do to solve this?" Or, "What can God do to solve this?"

In other words, we either try to solve the problem on our own, or we let God solve it. Obviously, it is much wiser to give your problems to God.

Therefore, in the midst of your problem, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Trust God to solve your problems. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal (Isaiah 26:4).

During your trials you should frequently quote Psalm 91:2: I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Furthermore, when you're truly trusting in God, there is nothing to worry about. Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me" (John 14:1).

Make this your cry: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God" (Psalm 20:7).

Trust the Lord God Almighty in every area of your life, even during problems, because every problem gives you an opportunity to trust God.

Christ must be at the center of your relationships because He provides a stable, fixed point of reference; otherwise, your relationships will be frail and fragile.

Every relationship is based or founded on something. For example, some relationships are based on the fact that both people work for the same company, attend the same school, or sharing a similar interest in a hobby or sport.

With all of relationships, once a common bond is no longer present, the relationship will tend to deteriorate. For example, once a child graduates from high school and moves off to college, he or she will probably lose most of the relationships formed with classmates, because school is no longer a common bond and thus there is nothing holding the relationship together.

However, if your relationships are formed around a common belief in Christ, then no matter what else happens in life, as long as that common bond is still present those relationships will last.

Thus, it is clear why 2 Corinthians 6:14 instructs believers not to marry unbelievers: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

If you want to maintain lasting, stable relationships, they must be Christ-centered.

of God and man.

2008-08-22T03:04:00.002+08:00

Its been a damn long haitus since I last blogged anything more than emotional rantings of this stress-filled life. And I want to thank God for so many things. :D

Joining the committee STBAPMIMSS has been a life changing experience. It has really changed the way I look at life, and in this way it has changed how I act, react, respond to various situations.

FYI: STBAPMIMSS means So That By All Possible Means I Might Save Some, and for those who can guess, it is an evangelical movement that aims to promote evangelism as a lifestyle.

I love God, and this I am sure of. I love Him so much that I am willing to die for Him if the situation called for it. Forgive me if I sound fanatic, but if you were in love with a girl, or vice versa, this would be how you felt. And I am sure that this is justified :)

Throughout the course of this year, I have grown to love God more and more, and of late, to depend on Him like I have never before. Nowadays I am trying to read my bible or at least pray before starting any school work. I mean as a Christian we say grace before we eat right? Why limit God's blessing to just food? Why not include Him in every single aspect of your life? :D

Of late I have had the conviction of STBAPMIMSS, when I see so many people, I feel that there is a need to share God with them and this burden weighs heavily on me sometimes. But I have realized that sharing God doesn't essentially mean sharing the theological arguments, but rather His Goodness with others.

On the 16th of August, after STBAPMIMSS we all took a taxi home. As I was the last passenger, upon nearing my house, the taxi driver asked me a question: ni men shi tan jiao tang de shi ma? Translated, it means: You guys were talking about church stuff right? Yes, I replied and the rest of the night was never the same.

The taxi driver then began telling me about his karma-esque view towards life, that Man was going against nature by eating meat, and hence becoming more barbaric (-.^), and that perfection was an achievable state through great control and restraint. We spent half an hour after that sitting in his taxi, with the air-con running (wasting precious petrol on his side) talking about our religion. I shared that God was love, and the question was not really about whether we ate meat or not, it was only with God that we could become transformed into the likeliness of Christ which is to love unconditionally which also questioned his second point. All of this in my weaker language: Chinese.

The conclusion: he still believed that man should not eat meat. (-.^) But I thank God for seting up this opportunity, because I found out he was a believer before, and a seed was sown in his life, waiting for the next person to harvest it. I thank God also because this taxi driver was willing to sit down for half an hour, wasting his petrol, with the air-con on, parked beside my home, listening to me and talking to me about God.

God is good. :D

After I walked up, I went online, and immediate a friend of mine started sharing with me about who he loved. And I took the opportunity to share how my relationship with God had been my strength. We talked for a long time that night, and I am looking to follow up with him on God.

Praise God man. :D

Let a revival take place, and let me be a part of it. :D

it comes upon a white wake morn

2008-07-30T14:24:00.004+08:00

it comes upon a white wake morn,
and the sun never seems to shine.
the fevers of sleep never seem to shake
and harken now the living dead.

it feels no pain, nor does it hurt,
and nothing more excepting hate
where once had been just mournful cries
a sinner now resides

come again now,
all you weak and heavy laden
and turn now to Christ,
in his bosom find you respite

God please, why did you make me this way? It is tormenting just to face another day, and my strength is really waning. I feel so tired every single day. Every single day. My head is weary, my heart is dead and there is nothing left to motivate me. I am really so tired, and I know I need you now, more than ever. God encourage me, and give me strength to live the way you would want me to, for I am weak but in you I am strong.

a lover's guise

2008-07-25T21:40:00.002+08:00

Its true, God is the most passionate lover we ever could have. Even to a guy. :D

His pursuit of our souls is everlasting, his love never ceases. Praise God for he is the Lord of love. :D

Lately, life has taken on a new meaning. Passion is birth from so many things; love, hope, faith. It gives us this unexplainable strength; a deep well from which we draw on for sustenance.

I know what it means to be passionate, I know what it means to be on fire. Yet another thing that I do not understand is how to channel such emotions into action. It is so frustrating to have so many plans yet not know how to execute them. The gospel needs to be shared, it needs to be heard. But how can I say it without sounding like a fanatic?

it is so depressing to think of all this, because my personality contrasts my passionate thoughts. But i will do something about it. The gospel must be shared. :D

God is the artist of all Creation =)

2008-06-16T23:02:00.003+08:00

Looking at the clouds

A touch of gold,
smeared and gently spread;
across a canvas of blue.

they float - white
and soft -
amidst the pastels of
colour; grey,

timeless. still.
untouched by the cold hands of time and decay.

So it came to pass, this brand
New day. [not sans providence]
Whilst lying on the covered sheets,
My heart leaps for joy
At the sight of clouds
While my eyes restrain its tears
Eternity's depth is encapsulated in just this moment

2008-06-16T22:57:00.002+08:00

something that i just realized

i am loved, not because i am lovely,
but because others first loved me.

i am blessed, not because i am a blessing
but because God made me one.

i am perfect, not because i am
but because God is.

=)

potential or not?

2008-06-04T19:37:00.002+08:00

somethings i just cant understand:

1. how do people stay perpetually happy for such prolong periods of time?
2. how do they give so much and expect so little?

i guess im just selfish.

sometimes we just let our thoughts get to our heads. theres always so much to live for, and as for me, i would rather not.

true, the greatest potential is in the graveyard. and whats stopping us from attaining all of this? is it for us to say that if we put in x amount of work, then we reap x amount of rewards? tis not a objective matter, but an subjective one. but i realize potential is only fulfilled in God's time, we just prepare, and we expect naught.

its hard.

one day, we plan out our lives, it always seems so bright, perfect. and life itself is self defeating paradox, designed to snuff out all perfection. maybe its true, we dont deserve it, but then again, we dont decide whether to go on or not. and then again, we are not god and theres no perfection apart from him. its all a matter of sucking in another breath of air, and going under until life drains us of all strength and drive.

and there we go again :)

that aside i think i shall start on titus now.

2008-05-27T23:29:00.003+08:00

i miss God.
i wish 2 spend sometime with him.
just me and god
and no one else to bother me.
no distractions, no homework.

sigh.

please god

2008-05-03T00:29:00.002+08:00

please god, take it away.
not again god please.
please.

its crushing me again,
spreading its shroud over my head.
my mind is overwhelmed,
i cannot sleep,
i have no peace.
i lie awake in bed
telling myself i am sane,
while it just continues to spread.
day after night after day,
my head throbs,
and i barely have enough rest,

i have no strength left to fight,
i am so tired.
my body is collapsing,
my mind is falling apart.
i am being ripped apart from the inside.

please help me god.
help me to be still,
and to wait on your presence;
help me to trust in your faithfulness,
that i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
give me hope once again,
for my soul has none.
renew my strength god,
lead me besides quiet waters.
restore my soul.
let me find your peace again.
my god, my companion,
walk through this together with me,
and i will soar on wings like an eagle.

how we grow up

2008-04-29T23:21:00.004+08:00

its quite funny when you read through your own blog archives, all the memories, the feelings, the nostalgia, they all return. when you read through the situations, you feel so different when your life is played back in a third person point of view. naturally during those times, we are too caught up in all the emotional highs of the situation to understand what we are doing. and as you read back, you actually compare yourself now and then. why was i so dumb/childish/immature to do this...? :D

the older i become, the more i understand stuff, and i guess growing up is more of an issue of understanding yourself. the crux is more of how 2 deal with this knowledge.

i probably have quite a high EQ because i am able to empathize with people and understand what they are going through, but under stress, im extremely violatile. i get angered and frustrated very easily when under pressure. and during times like this, i naturally withdraw and refrain from talking 2 people.

somehow as we grow up, this understanding is coupled with a deep security of knowing how to deal with these circumstances, probably drawn from experience.

i would always like to thank god for all the situations that i have been through, and how he has seen me through them. in going through so many situations, i have learnt to handle my emotions and to understand myself better. pain is relative to the sense of perception, and i because i barely said much about anything that i went through, i really thank god that he has been carrying me through all my struggles with suicide, depression and insanity, he always sustained me in one way or another until it was over. i thank god that i was not alone through it all, that he was always besides me through every step of the way.

i want to thank god for many other people whom he has placed in my lives, whether they have left scars or blessings, i want to thank god for them. they have been my pillars of support and as well as taught me the lessons that i needed to learn.

i want to thank several people who have always been supporting me through this whole year, oftentimes we are never appreciated, but i want these people know that they have really made a great impact in my life, and they are quintessential in shaping me into the person i am today. although i still have a long way more to go, i have come a damn long way from the first time i stepped into school.

my father for his guidance and continuously assuring me that i am not alone in all my struggles.
my mother for her guidance and emotional support.
my brother and sister for their unconditional love.
my mentor joey for reaching out to me in my darkest times.
my friends - shermine, corn, nicky, leican, for picking me up when i have fallen and giving me strength when there is nothing tangible to rely on.
my friends - cheryl, dng, puah, joanne, nicolechee, leehe, julia, josiah, jessica, for sharing all the times that we have been through together.

slowly we just move on. growth is oftentimes the most painful process that we have to experience, but the issue behind this is we are too caught up with the pain, that we fail to see the outcome.

to people out there struggling, struggle on and strive for the end beyond the pain. :)

thank god 4 parents :)

2008-04-21T22:58:00.001+08:00

one and one half me.

it is a world of mists.
existing in a parallel reality and time,
completely
separate
from the bustling of life itself.
where time is frosted in vapour,
and sulfurous fumes

coagulateinthicklayers;

above the waters' surface
of the onsen pools.

two people lie against the backdrop of eternity,
framed by a sky of black,
and twinkling lights.

one a man,
another barely there.
both unmoving
static, yet in communication.

the outdoor pool is approximately 42OC,
and as the snow falls on their faces,
lightly,
the less of me i find in me,
and the more of him.

finally we exit.
more of a father,
and less of a son.

rest :)

2008-04-15T18:18:00.006+08:00

in jc everything happens so fast. now its week 5. 5 weeks later, term ends.

its a breathless mad rush, and theres really nothing that is constant.

im tired. tired with keeping up with all the homework, tired of keeping abreast of assignments, tired of reminding people to do their part in a project, tired of doing stuff, tired... just tired.

the pillow

it comes just once,
just when our lives are spent.
a soft pillow, on which
we rest
our heavy heads

sweet rest. amidst the tumult,
as the pillow melts slowly
into the curvature
of our heads.

and parting one weary eye,
we take our final bows.
so long and goodnight.
so long and goodnight...

we will see each other
soon.

immaculate and imperfect

2008-04-02T22:30:00.002+08:00

love is seeing both your own ugliness and beauty through the lenses of others. :)

the surreal world

2008-03-30T01:18:00.003+08:00

indeed its true i live in a world of my own. and sometimes i find it so hard to breakaway from this surrealism. its difficult 2 live in this miserable little world of mine, for the lack of human interaction.

it is difficult 2 balance reality and surreality. the idealism of how great life can actually be and how much this differs from the actual truth. life is meaningless if we were to live it so superficially; i have tried and i cannot understand how and why people are so satisfied with such meaningless lives, i cannot understand how they stay in the popularity rat race. why are people so concerned with all the trivial things in life? do they even know that after they die, their passing will be mourned by many, yet remembered by few? it is so superficial and so ignorant - face value living - living for the moment.

yet on the other hand, the world that i surround myself in is so unattainable. the most sickening fact about perfection and reality is that they cannot coexist. its a void that separates the 2. and as you reach towards such a possibility, it drains you of all your energy and strength, and leaves you beaten, exhausted and alone. you never have any close friends, because no one will ever understand your thoughts, your ideals. no one will ever be able 2 empathize with you, because you are unable to describe it; what comes out are words that do not aptly describe, stammering and suttering, and people are led down a varying thought path.

its true, i naturally gravitate towards the deep things and in doing so i explore concepts that oftentimes are so complex that i myself find it difficult to understand it in all its totality.

the infinity concept
the concept of infinity is unimaginable, it is mind boggling, and literally leaves one breathless. this is merely a simple illustration of the concept.

2^1 = 2 i take up one square tile.
2^2 = 4 there are so many other tiles in a shop.
2^3 = 8 there are so many other shops in one level of a shopping centre.
2^4 = 16 there are so many levels in a shopping centre.
2^5 = 32 there are so many shopping centres in one street.
2^6 = 64 there are so many streets in the city district of Singapore
2^7 = 128 there are so many districts in Singapore alone.
2^8 = 256 singapore is merely an island in the middle of the South East Asia.
2^9 = 512 south East Asia is merely a part of Asia.
2^10 = 1024 asia is merely a part of the whole continent of Euroasia.
2^11 = 2048 euroasia is only a portion of the entire world.
2^12 = 4096 the world is only 1 of the 9 planets in the solar system.
2^13 = 8192 the solar system is merely a speck in the entire Milky Way.
2^14 = 16384 the Milky Way is only one of the 1000000000000s of galaxies in the Universe
2^15 = 32768 God is greater than all of these.
2^16 = 65536 God died for me.
2^17 = 131072 this is how insignificant we are.
2^18 = 262144 this is how much God loves us

can you imagine?

the principle of love
i still cannot understand love.
humans are disgusting, despicable, shameless and self-serving. it is so difficult to love someone whose value system is so corrupted, yet at the same time, it is so difficult to express love such that the recipient is able to understand and experience the same emotions that one actually feels. love is a pain yet it is a joy.

i still dont know how to love.

yet God loves us. he is able to love us that way, with all his disgust, he is actually able to look at us and smile and rejoice that we are alive. he loves us beyond all the circumstances and our own characters.

the ultimate form of love would be willing sacrifice as demonstrated by Jesus.

to be honest, my sacrifice will NEVER be willing enough.

can you imagine?

of faith and hope

2008-03-24T23:49:00.002+08:00

i realized that the concept of hope and faith both stem from partial knowledge and uncertainty.

today the waterpolo team was announced. congratulations 2 those who made the team. do RJ proud. and 2 those who did not, its a privilege 2 have trained together as a team. :)

zhizhi
nicky
wayne
alex
hansen
sean
jamie
weejin
jennhui
jianying
brandon
woosheng
tom
shangcong
irshah

the beginning of the year was spent in anticipation and training towards this moment. although it was quite certain that my teammates were improving at a far greater rate than i was, until the very end, there was still this little hope that i kept alive that somehow, i would make the team.

naiveity.
child-like innocence.

rather its hope.

hope springs from the uncertainty of the outcome. it gives us the perseverence to continue fighting, passion and resolve to finish the journey. it is hope that fuels the process. already knowing the outcome, would i have worked as hard as to improve?

the knowledge of the outcome is the deciding factor that helps us determine how much effort we put in. knowing that one is bound to fail, why would one put in so much effort into studying a subject?

it is through the unknown that we derive hope. :)

it is the same concept with God. why did he leave us with only portions of truth and yet no physical evidence for his existence? if he were to reveal himself in ever-radiant glory, which he is capable of, why would he choose not to?

to help us live with hope that something would result from this relationship and hence all the aspects of hope come into being. passion, resolve, perseverence. the implications that arise from the fact that an omni-potent being is in control of the universe are astounding. the whole dynamics of life as we know it would change into literal bootlicking. we would be fighting and killing ourselves to gain the impartial favour of God, as did the Chinese to their emperors. materializing God would also equate to anarchy.

yet in the midst of this uncertainty, there has to be some knowledge of what will come to pass. with that comes faith. faith is the assurance in what is not known. and thus faith is relative to the assurity of the unknown. hope fuels the process, faith births confidence.

god has indeed made us so profound, that until now, we are still trying 2 understand ourselves. and that is something to delight in. :)

a fast unlike no other

2008-03-23T23:01:00.002+08:00

traditionally, fasting is reserved for food, however, the purpose of fasting is to remove the objects that divert our attention from god. a cold turkey treatment, where the individual is purposely forced to divert his attention away from the distractions in his life.

lately the whole pace of life has been breathtaking; the amount of things to do in jc is astounding, there are so many happenings, so many things that take place; things to do, things to keep you occupied. there are so many happenings, and if you stop reading the newspaper for perhaps 3 days, its almost impossible to catch up. this is the allure of the world, the world we live in. and the more i get accustomed to jc, the more i find myself erecting this barrier against God in order to keep up with the rate of which the world changes. the greatest conflict that we face nowadays, is with the world. the world defines all the standards that we should have as a person in order to be recognized, all the As, the looks, the status quo; it defines our lifestyle, and even pervades into our value system.

its so scary to think how much we are subconsciously influenced by the world, and the very act of compromising on the biblical solutions, is an act of the world tempting and enticing us. that is the world we live in.

fasting is an act of worship, to sacrifice the most important things in our lives in place of God. this time i will be going on a technology fast, and abstain from the handphone and msn for this whole week. the social circle as defined by all these devices have been the greatest distraction and a very discreet substitution for God's companionship. it is all these little things that take your time and energy and mind away from having this relationship with God. thus i shall refrain from all this and take time to refocus my attention back on God. the goals of this fast are to:

- spend quality time with God and family
- to reinforce biblical values that were forgotten
- training myself to focus on God
- do some homework :)

although i cannot disappear from reality all the same, i shall be checking my email and handphone less regularly than i used to and ill be updating my blog on what i have learnt through this period. anything urgent please call my house phone, or dont expect such an immediate response from me.

passing fads

2008-03-21T02:25:00.001+08:00

INFJ - The "Confidant"

INFJs, making up an estimated 1% of all people, are the most rare type (males even more so). They are introspective, caring, sensitive, gentle and complex people that strive for peace and derive satisfaction from helping others. INFJs are highly intuitive, empathetic and dedicated listeners. These traits tend to act as a "tell me what's wrong" sign on their forehead, hence the nicknames Confidant, Counselor or Empath. INFJs are intensely private and deeply committed to their beliefs.

http://www.mypersonality.info/

comrades

2008-03-21T00:09:00.002+08:00

the world from a shell is really damn small :)

i guess i was so wary of falling or failing that i tried so hard to cling on to how much i have done. its quite sad though to see everything changing and moving on around you and you not being much of a part of it.

i have decided 2 take a step out and unlock this blog, and to live life with the same transparancy that i used 2.

some how the more you keep things to yourself, the more it crushes your entire being.

jericho

2008-02-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

ultimately, its whether or not we choose to keep silent that is the question.

days in rj have been passing really fast, the pace at which everything is progressing in is astounding. and it scares me to think that our progress is considered "slow". damn. im really worried about how fast we all are going to progress, and right now i am barely keeping my head above the watermark.

it is also extremely demoralizing to see people so far ahead and everyone enjoying themselves while i struggle to keep up. despondancy creates this ineffectual learning status, and its really difficult to continue studying. i hate people telling me i should take things easy. but i know i should.

we really have to talk more to other people.

2008-02-01T18:46:00.000+08:00

today i stopped 3 laps into my 2.4. my chest was tight and i couldnt breathe normally, and as i stopped my head started to spin, and i threw up in the drain. its sickening to throw up, but i find that i can regurgitate quite easy. after that i felt that sharp pain in my left chest. i dont know what triggered it but its not fun at all. i just lay down there after washing away the vommit from my shirt and pants, unable to fully stretch my chest and taking short breaths for pain normally intensifies when i breathe deeply or stretch my chest.

i think my chest pain stems from my posture and breathing. i have no idea how long it will last, but i hope it goes away. am i over-reacting?

inadequacy, please seek solace

2008-01-30T19:34:00.000+08:00

i have to learn to come to terms with my emotions. and with my blog somewhat devoid of all life after this long interim, i shall attempt to post more detailed posts after seeing the abstract nature of most of my previous writings, and at the same time try to vocalise most of the thoughts that i have never written about.

i have just read flowers for algernon, and it is a well crafted piece of work, truely the writer manages to capture the naivete and the innocence of a retarded person, his own introspection and his changing perspective of the world as he undergoes an exponential increase in his intelligence quota due to a surgery. beautiful writing. he really captivated me with his simplistic use of language and the book was really engaging.

but towards the end as his mental capabilities started to wane, i suddenly noticed this stark parallel with him and myself. the protagonist, Charles Gordon, the retarded guy, had the same attitude i had! it was quite depressing and yet interesting at the same time to read about the mentality and the motivation this person had to become smarter.

i have never seen myself as a clever person, and i thank god for this attitude at the same time, because i am a testament of the inadequacy of the human ability. i have always tried to put in effort and to force myself to work harder, but most of the time it just seems so futile and the results never do show. i like waterpolo, and though i know i have no talent for this sport, i still enjoy seeing how all the strenuous trainings bearing at least some fruits. i like learning, i like to better myself. but most of the time, i fail. and though i dont like the feeling, in fact, i hate to fail, but failure still lets me know i am human :) that i am nowhere near good and we are all just trying.

most of the time we expect results, and we forget about the process, and its something that im learning, to expect nothing and to work as though everything depends on it. god is good.

i had this thought last night. i shall type it out. "the beauty of love is this: when you feel that you cannot be loved anymore, or when you feel as though nobody could love you anymore, someone does."

and i thank god :)

2008-01-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

find rest my soul, in Christ alone.
find peace my love, in God i trust.
draw strength my heart, in his presence.

if i were to die, i want this to be what people remember of me.

my eulogy
he was a man after God's heart
he was one who lived to seek him
he was one guided by the spirit

that is all.

everybody's married :)

2007-12-04T17:32:00.000+08:00

look.
its japan.

i got married in japan, and missing it.
snow is white,
beef is brown, (if you cook it)
naked guys are nice too.

hello, can i speak to nicky please?

(this is a transcript of all mental activity on 3 December 2007, between 1000-1015, in the brain of David Lee)

.David: we need to be alone.
†David: and we are alone.
.David: you know what, your better off dead.
†David: perhaps

David is impaled in the corridor along the Level 4 corridor.

†David: i think i need to sleep.
.David: no, you need to die.

David is bleeding along the corridor.

†David: (tries to sleep)
.David: why cant you just die? your better off dead. see your alone now. nobody will find your body.
†David: but what if i already am found?
†David: (quotes scripture)

because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share ni his glory.
Romans 8:14-17

†David: now enough nonsense. i need to go 4 ushering.

(end of transcript)

of sex and subjectivity

2007-11-30T15:20:00.000+08:00

a terse litany

the angel:

i want to have a heart
that is dead,
and free of virtue;
taking pleasure in suffering and death.

i want to be able to watch people die.
to see their fingers snipped off,
with blunt scissors, in slow easy time.

i want to hear their screams,
and smile; to laugh at their pain
and delight in their writhring bodies,
spreading the sensations
to the rest of their body.

i dont want to be satisfied
with just causing fear,
i want to drive people
to death to relieve their fearful misery

i want to revel in destruction,
to destroy life while still yet unborn
i want pagan cannibalism,
and to feast on babies,
with no sympathy and thought
as to whether they delight or die.

i want to do all this,
without any pangs of guilt.
i want to be free of compassion,
to indulge in the sins of man.

i want to be evil,
and cause hurt, because
i have no future in doing good.

the devil:

i wish no more for misery and pain
i have seen enough, and felt enough.
i want to bring life, more than to take away.
i want hope and not dread.

i desire for happiness, and contentment;
amongst the people wrecked in pain and sorrow.
to be satisfied with nothing more
than seeing a little child smile.

i want so little from life,
but life alone,
to be forgiven, and accepted
by anyone who loves.

i want to be free,
from eternal torment and torture.
i want to see sharing, and goodness
without any chains or suffering.

i want to be so much,
because i am sick of being condemned.

something i have not done in a long time.

2007-11-18T01:04:00.001+08:00

i touched my heart, it was still beating, and i had to thank god. its weird, this thing we call life, because we are blessed with what we never really seem to treasure. 4 units of it have passed so far, perhaps more to come, perhaps not. it is something we dont treasure, if we measure it in terms of units. why? its sad to think about how much we waste, thats why.

lets digress.
i once had a dream. a twisted dream, and thank god it has not yet come true. it was at night and i was alone. i felt this insurmountable urge to retrieve this body from my bed and proceed towards to the kitchen. the urge was quite like an impulse, an emotional state procuring many bad things that would not have happened. it was this sensation of necessity that drove me towards the kitchen, and a certain desire as well. thus, as i entered the kitchen, it was as though all godliness was slowly reliquished with each quiet step. i reached down, and into a drawer; i felt around and found the piece of equipment that i needed to commit this sinful deed: the chopper. yes, it was this overwhelming lust to extricate some blood from my left hand. and as the chopper fell, with my hand rolling across the counter, i felt a sudden burst of shock and numbness. there was little or no pain at first, (because this was a dream) but the sensations it produce were orgasmic. cartharsis to such a delightful extent, and it felt so satisfying. as i gazed at the stump for sometime, i noticed this red liquid dribbling in the most haphazard manner down the elbow from the cross-section of several circular, jaggered objects. this liquid exited my body in the most spasmic manner, with its timing according to the beat of my heart, and slowly i felt a sensation of pain which somehow my brain strove to create. it is at this that i woke up.

interesting eh? it is something that i have not done in a long time. secondary school is just like taking a cold shower in a most groggy state. at first glance after waking up, the toilet resembles the torture chamber, somewhere we all proceed towards before an execution; this feeling of dread that encompasses us all. what do you think now? the cold water hits you like several slaps in the face, and you just feel so awake after that.

i realize alot of things have changed within this 1 unit of time, when the cold water hits your face, especially with me. i have stopped sharing alot of things with others, and im always apprehensive before doing anything close to that. the dream that i narrated above came to me in june, and it is now november before it is finally penned.

how many thoughts can a person hold in his mind before he eventually goes mad? there are so many writer that have and i can empathize with them. we speak of ourselves as not i, me, or mine, but rather as he, it, or them. heck, i even have my own digit/number/persona: 4. and now, after rougly 11 units of time, it has come to a point that where my sanity is being challenged. let me ask you all a question: who in the right mind delights in suicide, self-mutilation? what normal, decent individual finds peace in chopping up himself?

dreams originate from your subconscious self; it is the primival way of expression, and this speaks alot about the individual. and thus the question is: why do i have such a twisted imagination?

theres a reason why i locked up my blog. because i felt there are so many people who are not reliable enough to read all that i write, and even now i wish to further lockdown this blog such that it is only accessible to myself and myself alone. i have always thought the world as an ugly place, and these thoughts will stay locked up away from the world who will never see anything more beyond the facade of smiles and nonsense.

i am a mel-phleg and these thoughts will not last for too long. sometimes i wish i were a more balanced person, who would not get this choky, teary feeling so easily, and having to control himself from showing the slightest signs of such emotions. why? can you explain? i have no wish to think of what plans that god has for me. in fact, now im wishing that getting to know god were less of an emotional thing, and more of a pragmatic thing; one with a step by step manual that we could follow and with a troubleshoot, just like the question mark icon that comes with every single computer programme.

why do you treasure life now? i treasure life because it is life, because my heart is still beating. even though there are so many delightful thoughts that run through my head, with such diabolical intent on destruction, i will still treasure life. after this excruiciating 11 units of time, it is time to say that i have come to a point that my thoughts can do no more harm to my physical state. just like this blog here, that will stay locked up and away from sight. just like this blog here.

and if we were no more to quantify this fourth dimensional quantum quality. life becomes carefree like the wind, it has no more cares, wears no more burdens. though the sudden tempest of unthinkable earthshaking power, such as cyclone sidr in bangladesh; the wind will always return to its calm state of meditative nirvana. and i choose this that as it is.

devil's star

2007-11-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

once i asked god 2 tell me how i would disobey/defy him. that night i had a dream. i went to the barber's shop, shaved my head and requested him to cut the devil's star on my sideburns.

strangely, i shaved my head recently, and was interested satanism as well.

2007-10-29T14:38:00.001+08:00

fuck.

i think i just threw up blood

2007-10-29T13:28:00.000+08:00

tomorrows my mum's birthday

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

but i am unable 2 get her anything.

wtf.

what does it all boil down 2?

2007-10-26T18:41:00.000+08:00

this year has been strangely apathetic. now there are so many things that i couldnt care less about. lets be brutally honest:

i dont care about most of the cell now
i dont care about the friends who are going 2 hell
i dont care about ushering
i cant be bothered about people dying in africa
i cant be bothered about people not hearing the gospel in sudan
i cant be bothered about all the chalets that i am supposed 2 organize

why? because everything is selfish. sickening isnt it?

lets be really selfish now.
why should i care about all these?

the bastards in the cell can jolly take care of themselves.
ill tell my friends the gospel and let them rot in hell.
ushering can go screw itself for its lousy management.
the rest of the cultured world can throw its food at the africans instead of atomic bombs.
missionaries will go 2 sudan in the end.
ill book the chalet and ill collect all the money back.

ugly, everything is ugly.

2007-10-23T23:19:00.000+08:00

ultimately, it all boils down 2 this...

4.00/4.00

and we just strive to hit that.
hmm. would you talk 2 me? i wouldnt dare.

HAHA

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

2007-10-23T23:18:00.001+08:00

WHY ARE WE SO UGLY?

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

2007-10-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

WHY ARE WE SO UGLY?

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

2007-10-23T23:15:00.001+08:00

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

why are you so ugly?

satisfaction

2007-10-18T21:47:00.000+08:00

satisfaction is being alone
pleasure is being with others
happiness is in someone above

who is god 2 me?
i shall be thinking of this.

Fruits of the Spirit

2007-10-13T12:00:00.001+08:00

Apple
Pear
Banana
Orange
Mango
Durian :)
Peach
Lemon
Lychee

love
joy
peace
patience
kindness
faithfulness
gentleness
goodness
self-control

lets embody those fruits :)
gays all the gays

Satanism and Buddhism

2007-10-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

satanism is not something to be condemned.
it is a beautiful philosophy.

except it just has to be fine-tuned, probably with buddhism and christianity.

brother dennis is right.

3 things that will affect my future.

career
spouse
philosophy

i will settle my philosophy after this stupid end of years.

JAI :)

Mathematics

Matrices
Circular Measure
Trigonometry
Differentiation
Applications of Differentiation
Integration
Applications of Integration
Vectors
Probability
Statistics

Chemistry

Periodic Table
Salts & QA
Reactivity Series & Metal Extraction
Chemical Energetics
Reaction Kinetics
Electrochemistry
Equilibrium
Fuels
Organic Small Molecules
Organic Polymer

Physics

Pressure
Kinetic Model of Matter
Temperature
Thermal Property of Matter
Electric Fields
Current Electricity
DC Circuits
Practical Electricity
Magnetic Fields
Electromagnetism
Electromagnetic Induction
AC & CRO

Biology

Nerves
Hormones
Homeostasis/Temperature Control
Excretion
Sustainable Development
Economic Botony
Life Sciences - Genetics, Apoptosis/Necrosis, Mitosis/Meiosis, Evolution

Social Studies

Active Citizenry

Literature

The Importance of Being Earnest
Gulliver's Travels

HAHA

2007-09-30T19:22:00.001+08:00

www.ratemypoo.com

ENJOY :)

God?

2007-09-27T02:43:00.001+08:00

ye of little faith.
without faith it is impossible to please him.

yet again to question the premises of god.
why is it that life is so seemingly satisfying now
without being close 2 him at all?
is it a problem on my part?
someone please read my bible 2 me?

does god stem from merely a need?
then human relationships could jolly well replace him.
morals and ethics replace the values in the bible
miracles happen when people relax and calm their nerves.
if there is no salvation, there is no heaven or hell.
only the present.

satanism advocates that man is god.
looking at the argument, man can be god if all he needs is himself.

This is seriously what the fuck.

2963
Cast: (in order of appearance)
Gulliver
Doctor G
Personnel A
Personnel B
Personnel C

Prologue
[Lights focus on the centre of the stage]
Enter Gulliver.
Gulliver sees a horse and gets turned on.
Gulliver: Ooh, a horse.
Must touch.
Gulliver starts to shake immediately after touching the horse and he is transported to the future.
[Lights dim, Mr. Bean theme plays in the background]

Scene 1
Gulliver is still in somewhat of a daze, he sees a book besides him, picks it up and reads it aloud.
Gulliver: Year, 2363
Mankind, in total confidence of the holy status
Of his existence,
Has decided to exterminate
An intolerable injustice to his body.
Every part of his body except the hands,
Legs and something in between,
Should serve only a single function.
Imposing speech and mastication to his mouth
Is a great burden.
Thus, man has decided,
The eyes should only be used for seeing,
The nose for breathing
The ears for ornamentation
The mouth for eating.
On June 6th, the “Thought Manifestor” was created.
It captures the wavelength of our thoughts, and deciphers it into sound.
One simply needs to think, the device will speak for him.
Man no longer needs to talk.
Enter Doctor G
A person on a wheelchair hears Gulliver’s voice, and is intrigued by the disgusting nature of the sound produced. He sees Gulliver, and is appalled at his stupidity.
Gulliver: Oh my little pony,
Gulliver is shocked at the sight of the human.
Doctor G: Oh my holy, beautiful body,
That is a most disgusting sound.
Stop it at once.
Wait, what is that I see?
[Points towards the book]
Is that a book?
[Guffaws with hysterical laughter]
What kind of being are you? An imbecile?
Those chunky appendages must make it
Really difficult to turn the page.
[Chuckles]
Let me see...
Doctor G snatches the book from Gulliver but is overwhelmed by the weight of the book.
Book falls to the ground, and Doctor G falls out of his wheelchair.
Doctor G: Oh my precious body,
What are you waiting for you hideous monster of a man.
Get me off the ground.
Gulliver helps Doctor G back on to his wheelchair. Gulliver is in awe of these humans, who possess wonders that he has only dreamed off.
Gulliver: [As he helps Doctor G up]
Sir, I am truly in awe of your inventions
How you talk without voice.
Can you show me this “Thought Manifestor”?
Doctor G: No…
You filthy body will not dirty anything that is mine.
Unless...
[Smirks]
Unless you follow me.
And allow me to show you more marvellous inventions.
Gulliver: Sir, I am indebted.
I would do anything for you...
Doctor G: That’s a goooood boy...
Now gently place this on your head,
GENTLY; yes, now press this button here...
Gulliver’s obscene thoughts of his fetish with horses are revealed.
Gulliver’s Thoughts: Oh Horsey, you are one hot mama.
Give it to me baby...
Yeah, YEAH, YEAH!! YEAHH!!!!!
Gulliver is shocked and embarrassed, and immediately pulls off the “Thought Manifestor”. Doctor G laughs in the background.
Gulliver: O my Son of a Mare!
Doctor G: [Chuckles] Whoa cowboy,
Please follow me...
[Lights fade, End of Scene 1]

Scene 2
Doctor G: We must have him!
He is a god send!
Personnel A: He is the perfect test subject.
Personnel C: He will work better than all the white mice in the world combined.
Personnel B: He looks delicious, good enough to eat.
My appetite is growing just looking at him.
Personnel C: But is he a human?
He walks upright...
Personnel B: A freak, yes.
But definitely human.
Personnel A: Why, of course.
He will make such a lovely companion, dead.
Personnel C: Not if I eat him first...
Doctor G: Save your saliva, he comes...
Enter Gulliver.

Scene 3
Doctor G: After the prolong discussion with my other faculty members,
We have come to the conclusion that
Either you are the byproduct of the union between Man and Chimp
Or you are just a freak.
Thus, you hereby have the honor to be named: The Great Man Freak.
Gulliver: My honor indeed,
First I have heard such vivid description of my human self.
[Walks a bit]

Scene 4
Gulliver follows Doctor G around the laboratory. Personal B and C are dragging out a corpse. Gulliver hears them whisper.
Personal B: A sumptuous dinner we will have tonight.
Personal A: But please, let me touch this body first.
[Strokes the corpse]
Doctor G: Man Freak, look here.
[Gulliver turns]
Would you like one?
Enter Personal C
Personal C carries a platter with small delicate dumplings. Gulliver takes one from the platter.
Gulliver: How do I eat this?
Personal C: Make a hole in the side,
Put your mouth to the hole;
Suck the rich fluids out
And now, with one gulp finish the delicacy.
Now, enjoy it as it melts in your mouth.
Gulliver: [French Chef motion, Pleasurable Sounds]
Delicious
Oh, it tastes so smooth and succulent.
[Takes another]
Pray tell me how is it made?
Doctor G: Ah yes.
This is one of our greatest discoveries.
The artificial womb.
What you have just eaten,
Are the defective products of our latest batch.
Gulliver: [Chokes, Coughs violently, Spits]
These are human babies?
Doctor G: We call them Xiao Long Baos...
As I was saying,
The artificial womb has given us the ability
To produce Man without sex.
Gulliver: But why eradicate sex?
Doctor G: Because it is [Hatred]
The greatest hindrances to our pursuit of perfection.
Their sexuality corrupts our rationality.
Ah see here...
Gulliver is dragged into another room, with a row of brains
Human body stands on stage (with breathing tube?) Doctor G and Gulliver enter.
Doctor G: Here we are at last.
Gulliver: O Horror!
What is that vile being?
It looks as if it is a human body.
Doctor G: Yes…
What you see is but one of the many new bodies,
Artificially engineered to be rid of the many sins
That plague the human body.
See these rows of brains here?
All these brains have a segment removed.
We don’t know which segment of the brain controls actions of sins.
So…I guess we need to go trial and error.
When we found that worm, we can eradicate that
Part of the brain from all humans.
Gulliver: Was this what you spoke of,
When you mentioned “to create The Perfect Man”?
Doctor G: No no. (checking tag on man)
This version will expire soon.
That can hardly be said to be perfect now, can it?
But oh well. Let me show u our latest brain.
It’s a breakthrough in eradication of emotions!
[G takes a random brain(a helmet) and puts it on the man]
Man(open his eyes): I am superman. Behold!
[Man jumps and falls flat on his face ]
Doctor G: Err…nope. Wrong brain.
[Takes another helmet and put it on the Man]
Man: [Puts on a hat and starts to moonwalk] I adore children
[Does some random Michael Jackson dance]
Doctor G: NOOO! Try this.
Doctor G gives another helmet to Gulliver and Gulliver put it on the Test Subject
Man: Good morning fellow students.
We will renovate the stink hole.
We will make it slinkier.
We will rip out our beautiful field and build an artificial turf.
We will build a 13 storey building and chug all the import
While we rip them of their money.
We will up your fees and spend our funds on everything else except you.
We will abolish exams but we will have dozens of tests
And tons of useless projects instead.
You will be free from stress but don’t worry,
You will be in constant trauma, anxiety, strain and distress……
Doctor G: Oh my sizzling body! I am bobbing with cold! This is the one!
[Gulliver takes the brain and fixs it on]
Man: [stone do nothing]
Doctor G: Yes! This is one. See.
Lack of emotions. Give him a whack on the head.
[Gulliver Whacks the Man with a hammer]
Man: Ow. [Stares at Gulliver and snatches the hammer and starts whacking himself]ow. Ow. Ow.
Doctor G: Behold. No anger.
No resentment. No emotions.
No irrational actions!
I say we are well on our way to create the perfect man!.
Gulliver: Oh my sweet pony. Is there nothing you people can/t do?
Pray tell me,
What then will become of this subject who has expired?
Doctor G stares at Gulliver as if Gulliver had just asked him the most stupid question on earth.
Doctor G: We take out the trash of course. (human body opens eyes, screams, run around the stage)
Oh dear!
[Doctor G takes out a gun and shoots him]
Gulliver: Oh my pony, what have you done?!
Doctor G: Oh my hot body!! What have I done!?
Those chemicals in his body! They cost a dear lot.
Don’t you think it’s such a waste to just shoot him?
Gulliver says nothing but continues staring at body.
Doctor G: Ah well, never you mind.
One befitted with such a destiny as yourself
Cannot trouble his mind with such petty concerns.
As Gulliver passes, human body opens his eyes and a pitiful expression appears on his face. For a moment Gulliver stands there, watching it.

Scene 5
Doctor G: And moving on…
Gulliver: Please, I beg of you.
Show me no more.
With these eyes,
I have witnessed too many a folly man has committed.
Doctor G: Have it your way...
[Claps hands]
Personnel neutralize Gulliver, and drag his conscious corpse towards Doctor G.
Gulliver: Wait, why can’t I move my appendages.
What have you done?
Personnel A: He looks like a corpse...
Fresh, raw and juicy...
Oh my body,
Please, please do let me touch it...
[Rubs his hands with glee]
Doctor G: No! Touch him not or I will
Deal with yours.
Take him to the cell.
We shall commence with the experiments at day break tomorrow.
Personnel A: Lemuel Gulliver,
First a surgeon,
Then a captain of several ships.
Now you will become the perfect man,
Perfect in logic,
Stripped bare of the emotions that leads to folly.
Personnel B (looking at helmet): Why do you worry?
It is but a small price.
To pay for what you are about to be.
Personnel C: Bring in the hay gentlemen.
This mare will require its nourishment.
The three personnel laugh.
Exit, leaving Gulliver on stage.

Scene 6
Gulliver is alone in the prison. Gulliver removes the helmet and laments.
Gulliver: I’ve been disillusioned long enough.
Man has evolved far beyond
What I have ever dreamed off.
The selfish, proud, infidels that I beheld,
Never cease to amaze me with their
Irrational obsession with being perfect.
What amazes me even more
Are my very own eyes!
To think I was so blind to see perfection in rationality.
And to fall in love with such a vile thing as a Horse!
I see my own logic in their sanity,
Their striving to eradicate the very thing that makes me righteous,
My irrationality, conscience;
The pain of my own diseased heart,
As I watched the subject shot dead in cold blood.
The fiends, the ugly beasts,
Their lack of humanity has shown me the virtues in humanity itself.
Their emotionless desires, bred the monsters that captured
And tortured innocent people, in the name of perfection.
Is the eradication of emotion the price we pay for perfection?
With the prevalence of these mindless, cold hearted atrocities being the result?
There is no more love left in these satanic beings, only mindless pursuit for the unachievable: perfection.
My eyes saw only the flaws in humanity,
And I cursed it altogether,
Not knowing the sanity that irrationality brought with it:
My very own soul.
I cursed my conscience, my…
My wife! I have wronged her.
My children! They suffer in my folly.
What rationality is there when I cannot even love my own wife …
What else is there for me when I cannot even love my own children..
But it is too late to change.
There is no hope left,
To hell with this disgusting tail
[Pulls out the tail]
And you my, vile horse friend.
[Kicks the Horse]
Gulliver starts shaking, and he returns back through the time warp.
Gulliver: I am back?
I am back!
Wife, approach me with open arms, and gentle caresses.
For I am well, and I repent
Come to me.
[End of play]

hola! a tribute before we sink.

2007-09-19T00:03:00.000+08:00

something good for a change?

of course...

the slack is nice. and the sea is bright. lalalalala. we all fall down.

slack slack slack slack slack.
(but we still have to study!)

mdf dont be so emo. you are gay enough.

bald nicky is nice. dng has a nice head. leehe has a nice mouth.
all fags are nice. - a hasty generalization for a change.

joey has a new song.
everything should be Christian.

gays are out. fags are in. we all fall down.
you are is of the fag.

WATERPOLO
Three and you are ET.
Two to be normal
One to play polo.

These are is of the balls.
The balls are is of have can play the waterpolo.
The waterpolo is two of can the fag.

DMP is the fag.
Gym and fags go together.
TECHNIQUE EVERYONE, TECHNIQUE.
buttocks out!
we musnt hurt the back.

Nelson is not replying.
Joel pranked me.
Everybody is stone per se.

lalalalalala. we all fall down.
fags galore :)

in jesus name

AMEN.

a clean juxtaposition

2007-09-08T15:42:00.000+08:00

for those reading this post.
it is no privilege.

the surreal vs the real

just as it is always within ones grasp.
the rest of the world can fade away,
but you who read this will not.

hypocrisy

2007-08-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

dont you understand?
there is no difference if there is or isnt god.
god doesnt change anything.
he only prevents us from seeing our own sin.
and realizing our defects.
ultimately there is no cure to this condition.
only death.

god is merely a blind to it all.

today i watched people raise their hands and close their eyes in reverent worship. and i was so disgusted at the hypocrisy that i almost screamed and smashed the glass. if we are 2 worship it should only be logical, or not worship at all. emotions fail and they disgust me.

everything is disgusting. repulsive. look closely at your own face, there is nothing to be proud of. i never realized how disgusting and shameless i am, showing off such a face in public. i hate my face. it disgusts me.

the more i look at myself, i feel like mutilating this fucking body. it is a most repulsive thing. and to look behind all this physical blinds lies the most hideous part of the entire human. the soul.

I HATE MY SOUL. there is nothing but ego-centric and self-preservation. it disgusts me. i want to die and be rid of this, yet my will to live overpowers me. suffocation doesnt work. jumping leaves no second choice. and because i live, people suffer. fuck. fuck this life. fuck everything. fuck the body. fuck the disgusting hideous monstrosity. fuck all humans. fiends. self centred dumbfucks. pretending in church to be kind and caring. fuck you all man.

until we die:

1. we shall avoid god - he warps your thinking with his advocation of salvation.
2. we shall avoid looking at mirrors - for the face is the emblem of pride.
3. we shall avoid irrational emotions - they give birth to madness.
4. we shall train ourselves to live in sincerity - there is none.

keep away from me

2007-08-25T23:29:00.000+08:00

words fail to decribe me.

i am not who you think i am.
im only pretending to love you, remember that.
there is no truth in whatever i say.
i never keep my promises.

but someday i shall succeed.
there is no cure for this disease, that of being human.
only death.

2007-08-21T00:17:00.000+08:00

We walked the skies of infinite blackness, just you and i
When all at once we tripped upon a star.
And fell to where we still are

how sad.

4: Melancholy, Phlegmatic

2007-08-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

HIGHLY Negative with a HIGH tendency not to enjoy positive events - Melancholy
SLIGHTLY Negative with a LOW tendency not to enjoy positive events - Phlegmatic

Combination - THE ULTIMATE EMO

its interesting to note that i never really realized that negativity was part of my temperament =)

The Melancholic Phlegmatic.

The Melancholy's Emotions
Remembers the negatives
Moody and depressed
Enjoys being hurt
Has false humility
Off in another world
Low self-image
Has selective hearing
Self-centered
Too introspective
Guilt feelings
Persecution complex
Tends to hypochondria

The Melancholy As A Parent
Puts goals beyond reach
May discourage children
May be too meticulous
Becomes martyr
Sulks over disagreements
Puts guilt upon children

The Melancholy At Work
Not people oriented
Depressed over imperfections
Chooses difficult work
Hesitant to start projects
Spends to much time planning
Prefers analysis to work
Self-deprecating
Hard to please
Standards often to high
Deep need for approval

The Melancholy As a Friend
Lives through others
Insecure socially
Withdrawn and remote
critical of others
Holds back affections
Dislikes those in opposition
Suspicious of people
Antagonistic and vengeful
Unforgiving
Full of contradictions
Skeptical of compliments

The Phlegmatic's Emotions
Unenthusiastic
Fearful and worried
Indecisive
Avoids responsibility
Quiet will of iron
Selfish
To shy and reticent
Too compromising
Self-righteous

The Phlegmatic As A Parent
Lax on discipline
Doesn't organize home
Takes life to easy

The Phlegmatic At Work
Not goal oriented
Lacks self motivation
Hard to get moving
Resents being pushed
Lazy and careless
Discourages others
Would rather watch

The Phlegmatic As a Friend
Dampens enthusiasm
Stays uninvolved
Is not exciting
Indifferent to plans
Judges others
Sarcastic and teasing
Resists change

interesting =)

http://www.oneishy.com/personality/phlegmatic_weaknesses.php

for your own revelation and discovery.

4: I AM HAPPY =)

2007-07-31T17:38:00.000+08:00

happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy 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Tapitoo: The Embelishment of Faith

2007-07-08T19:29:00.000+08:00

forgive my previous post. xD

thank you also for all your tags =), nicky, nicole, julia, daryl, kaka, ahphui, joanna, i really appreciate every single one of them. what i have on my hands doesnt seem like alot now looking at it. and im sure there are many other people out there who are juggling more than just this. =)

btw - this year is the year of Moor. =)

today god spoke.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entagnles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

and he always hits the bullseye. every single time. the only constant we can constantly count on, constantly hits accurately constant. xD havent posted nonsense in a long time.
the reason why such turmoil, was because my focus was not on god. thus the worldly pressures of the temporal moment clouded my eternal perspective. julia, you are quite right in saying that. and because of this, i had inhumane expectations from myself; unattainable results of which would never fail to throw me into a depressive state.
and im always reminded of the time after retreat, when i was so looking forward to school, to facing the stress together with him. though i have failed thus far, but school isnt over yet. =)

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

at first i didnt understand why joy. of all the words, why JOY? all the suffering, the blood, the pain notwithstanding? but now i understand. the joy refers to the aftermath of the cruxification. when the world was set free from their burdens, sin was shed off the heads of men, and jesus conqured the grave. where does this joy come from? the knowledge that god has planned everything according to his good, pleasing and perfect will, and this knowledge comes only though faith.

ironically, i have told people to have faith in what God can do; me, of little faith here. i have 2 apologize 2 jessica 4 not practicing what i preach. xD

and i hereby renounce such depressive thoughts from my life, to refocus and press on for the greater glory in Jesus name.

amen

Tapitoo: perseverence

2007-07-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

lets list down my work list

Homework:
- chinese essay
- chinese 5 zuowen tigang
- chinese current affairs test
- english biography
- english book club
- literature crp
- literature tuitorials
- RE portfolio
- RE - a guide to thinkquest
- RE - final report
- ss video
- class decor
- chemistry file
- biology file
- mathematics vectors ta
- physics test - magnetism

Moor house stuff to do:
- edit Moor house drama feste script
- drama feste rehearsals - 2 blocks of 3-4 hour slots a week

Church duties:
- service notes 6/5/07
- service notes 13/5/07
- service notes 3/6/07
- service notes 10/6/07
- service notes 17/6/07
- service notes 24/6/07
- service notes 1/7/07
- abi's farewell on sunday

Waterpolo trainings:
Monday 1530 - 1800
Tuesday 1730 - 1900
Thursday 1730 - 1900
Friday 1430 - 1800
Saturday 0800 - 0930

doesnt this sight really ask for some blood?

sometimes one must ask.
is god really bigger than all this?
is god bigger than facing such the above with almost non-existant sleep of 4 hours or less a night?

but i shall persevere. thank u all who have encouraged me =) i really appreciate such uplifting smses.

goodnight

and please allow me to apologise for my inadequate posts on the retreat which are to be discontinued.

Tapitoo: Koinonia

2007-06-19T19:00:00.000+08:00

perhaps this should come as a fresh breath of air. i shall try 2 stay afloat as long as possible, and by God's grace i shall. blessed are the feet whom bring good news, rather everything does. =)

Koinonia - fellowship in Hebrew, the theme of our retreat.

Day 1

anticipation and apprehension, mixed feelings of both excitement and this distasteful solitude i felt as we boarded our bus. excitement - the pleasure of getting away from all the work, the freedom from all duties and perhaps to find peace within. solitude - for when had i ever treated the people on the bus well? would i ever be accepted? the never ending struggle within continued. and thus we set off. Bus 6, what a beautiful name, what a pleasure to be amongst the 6 of them. =) not just a bus but the fellowship group within made being in this bus such a blessing.

- nelson
- phuisee
- gladys
- gaomin
- edith
- jialea

going there were just 6, but these people tore apart the quiet fortitudes of which i had created, my haven. and suddenly i found myself playing games as a part of a body. =) concentration and please-will-you-follow-me. and yes i lost, but i had never expected to receive this kind reception from people whom i had not talked to 4 ages. and i was quite surprised that i didnt want to leave the bus as we reached our destination. the Marriot Hotel - Putra Jaya

bunkmates - nelson and josie (who was due in the next day), established our masculine presence in the room by jumping and rolling on the beds, without shoes though. afterward we surveyed the landscape and bought cards.

then came dinner and service. there were so many meals in the same place that i have forgotten when and whom i sat with. and thus i went into the service hall with a much expectant heart now soothed by fellowships gentle touch. the notes are included. =)

Koinonia - 4th June 2007 (Night)

A Sword in the Hand of Faith

Have we made a decision to accept the attacks of the devil instead of fighting him?
- If we do not fight, God does not have the power to work through us

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

A Faith that can be tested is not a faith that can be trusted
- We are called to be people of faith when under fire

Coming under fire is inevitable
- & it produces perseverance & maturity

The reason why we do not have faith
 Is because we doubt; do not think we can do it

If we should stand together as a body of Christ, marching together, bringing each other out of the battlefield, we can overcome everything.

“Moab has been at rest from youth,
Like wine left on its dregs,
Not poured from one jar to another –
She has not gone into exile.
So she tastes as she did,
And her aroma is unchanged.

Jeremiah 48:11

Maturity  wine (aroma & taste)

Jeremiah 48:11b 

We cannot tell how mature a person is unless he is tested
Maturity is only demonstrated with trouble.

People on fire fight fire with fire.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:2
We are to fight fire with the swords of faith

Do not focus on the problem, but on the victory - joy
Show Satan no mercy - battle until the victory can be seen

it was with this that the battle with myself officially began. against all the thoughts of death and suicide, against self-condemnation. and with the altar call came tears of repentance, repenting for all the malicious thoughts, for running away and for forsaking the God of which deserves all. joey was there besides, and i just cried my eyes out and shared the silence with him as he prayed into my life; and against it. thanks joey and thank god for everything that He has sent =) afterward i went to play daiti and hearts with some of the Bus 6 people; NELSON, EDITH n PHUISEE, whom only they and JIALEA will know the outcome of the games.

and this was the start of an incredible journey of which i would walk together with god, hearing him speak and watching him do miraculuous things around, and within me.

4: Sorgens Kammer - Chamber of Sorrows

2007-05-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

Minnenes ekko stiller timen
Kneblet i tungsinnets lenker faller jeg ifra
Ikke lenger vil jeg være boltet fast i vemodighetens anker
Men endelig få lengselens slukket - Etter å dra

Drakk jeg for meget av livshåpets krus
Tok jeg gledens forfengelighet for gitt
For min strid mot tomhetens smerte - Denne dødsangstens rus
Er det eneste ene igjen - Som er mitt

I min ensomhet vet jeg likevel
At jeg ikke har noen andre å takke enn meg selv
Derfor er jeg rolig når
Repet strammer rundt min nakke

Stumme viner kan ei gi trøst
Menigmann i gravkorets forsamling vil aldri fatte
Det landet av fortapelse
Jeg egenhendig skapte

Denne intense dragning mot dødens portaler
(Har jeg som) En vandrende studie i gråtkvalt messe-noir
Behersket siden tidens morgen
Men noe jeg aldri lot slippe taket - Var sorgen

[English translation:]

The echoes of silence sets the hour.
Gagged in the chains of "depression", I fall away.
No more I will be bolted fast in the anchor of "melancholy".
But finally get my longing "fulfilled" - for leaving.

Did I drink too much from the goblet of "lifehope"?
Did I take the vanity of joy for granted?
For my battle against the pain of emptiness - this intoxication of the angst of death,
Is all that is left... that is mine.

In my loneliness I still know,
That I have none to thank but myself.
This is why I remain calm,
As the rope is tightening around my neck.

Silent witnesses can not give comfort.
The ordinary man in the assembly of the "gravechoir".
Tha land of perdition
I created by my own hands.

This intense attraction to the portals of death
(I have as) A wandering study of tearful messe-noir.
Controlled since the dawning of time,
But something I never would let go.. was the sorrow.

4: shame

2007-04-17T02:11:00.000+08:00

sweet little baby doll,
why does she cry?

everyday is tea time,
everyday is play,
but why does she cry?

we bounce ever so happily on our heads,
but why is she always looking down instead?

shame on you little baby doll.
always wanting so much more

one day you will fall real bad
and break that lovely china head
bouncing up and down that bed

sweet little baby doll
why do you want to be human again?

Tapitoo: all hail the champions

2007-04-08T02:20:00.000+08:00

we end our season in a tumultuous uproar of tears, sadness and silence. somehow everytime i think about our final match as Raffles Waterpolo '07, i just feel like crying. it just seems as though i have not cried enough. and the watery eyes just blink back the sadness. we really trained so hard and the disappointment is really so great and so painful. 4th. my number, our position. but now im just honoured to be able to play alongside the best team we ever formed. so much has been given, so much sacrificed. and though we may not be recognized as the victors, we have triumphed through all the adversity we were thrown against.

1 Seetow
2 Weekian
3 Chee
4 Tatwai
5 Johnny
6 Woosheng
7 Brandon
8 Tom
9 Shangchong
10 Jinsei
11 Jianying
12 Marcus
13 Brian
14 Shuchin
15 Yansheng

all has been said. and a sneak preview of raffles waterpolo '08 A division champions

4 speaks: life, the choice.

2007-03-23T19:45:00.000+08:00

4 finds that 4 is unable to maintain friendships.
4 needs solitude.
4 enjoys the solitude.
again 4 chooses the solitude.

4 finds also that 4 has emotions.
but 4's emotions are suppressible.
4 can choose to stop feeling happy, sad, and more; maybe not anger yet.
but the choice is 4's.

why does life have 2 be a choice?
why is there is no yellow brick road?
why are there forks?
why must 4 choose?

why must 4 choose solitude?
does 4's friends hurt when he doesnt talk?

why must 4 choose suppression?
does 4's friends suppress their emotions as well?
is it because of 4 that they do?

why must 4 choose happiness?
does 4 not choosing emotions hurt anybody?
is it because of 4 that so many people are becoming more like him?
has 4 actually been an unknowing influence?

is it by choice that 4 always writes like this?

Tapitoo: 4 is 4

2007-03-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

4 is 4.
a number 4.
nothing more than 4.
no name, no loves, no likes; just 4.

names, loves and likes are only allocated to those with a soul. 4 is but a number. there is none. =)

finally 4 has unravelled why the silence has come upon him. why it will not leave. and why 4 has no affiliation to Mr. Lee Tat Wai David. it is a structured way of thinking, a mentality; a perspective. isnt that great? =)

everything is logical. nothing exists without a reason. and 4 repeats again, everything is logical. nothing exists without a reason.

and if everything is logical, all our actions, behaviours, emotions are only responses to a logical reason with pertinence to a specific event, and like all responses, they can be suppressed. love can be suppressed. acceptance, needs, wants can be suppressed.

our life is logical, structured. whatever that defies structure, or randomness; can be called an anomaly. these random acts only arise from a specific area which 4 lacks, the soul. 4 does not perceive that anomalies are bad, just that they cause disarray in the structure.

god is everlasting. 4 does not deny that, but yet existance the master of all logic is still unexplainable. till then 4 just has to accept that to be the truth.

such a fallible relationship, the irony of it all.