something i have not done in a long time.
i touched my heart, it was still beating, and i had to thank god. its weird, this thing we call life, because we are blessed with what we never really seem to treasure. 4 units of it have passed so far, perhaps more to come, perhaps not. it is something we dont treasure, if we measure it in terms of units. why? its sad to think about how much we waste, thats why.
lets digress.
i once had a dream. a twisted dream, and thank god it has not yet come true. it was at night and i was alone. i felt this insurmountable urge to retrieve this body from my bed and proceed towards to the kitchen. the urge was quite like an impulse, an emotional state procuring many bad things that would not have happened. it was this sensation of necessity that drove me towards the kitchen, and a certain desire as well. thus, as i entered the kitchen, it was as though all godliness was slowly reliquished with each quiet step. i reached down, and into a drawer; i felt around and found the piece of equipment that i needed to commit this sinful deed: the chopper. yes, it was this overwhelming lust to extricate some blood from my left hand. and as the chopper fell, with my hand rolling across the counter, i felt a sudden burst of shock and numbness. there was little or no pain at first, (because this was a dream) but the sensations it produce were orgasmic. cartharsis to such a delightful extent, and it felt so satisfying. as i gazed at the stump for sometime, i noticed this red liquid dribbling in the most haphazard manner down the elbow from the cross-section of several circular, jaggered objects. this liquid exited my body in the most spasmic manner, with its timing according to the beat of my heart, and slowly i felt a sensation of pain which somehow my brain strove to create. it is at this that i woke up.
interesting eh? it is something that i have not done in a long time. secondary school is just like taking a cold shower in a most groggy state. at first glance after waking up, the toilet resembles the torture chamber, somewhere we all proceed towards before an execution; this feeling of dread that encompasses us all. what do you think now? the cold water hits you like several slaps in the face, and you just feel so awake after that.
i realize alot of things have changed within this 1 unit of time, when the cold water hits your face, especially with me. i have stopped sharing alot of things with others, and im always apprehensive before doing anything close to that. the dream that i narrated above came to me in june, and it is now november before it is finally penned.
how many thoughts can a person hold in his mind before he eventually goes mad? there are so many writer that have and i can empathize with them. we speak of ourselves as not i, me, or mine, but rather as he, it, or them. heck, i even have my own digit/number/persona: 4. and now, after rougly 11 units of time, it has come to a point that where my sanity is being challenged. let me ask you all a question: who in the right mind delights in suicide, self-mutilation? what normal, decent individual finds peace in chopping up himself?
dreams originate from your subconscious self; it is the primival way of expression, and this speaks alot about the individual. and thus the question is: why do i have such a twisted imagination?
theres a reason why i locked up my blog. because i felt there are so many people who are not reliable enough to read all that i write, and even now i wish to further lockdown this blog such that it is only accessible to myself and myself alone. i have always thought the world as an ugly place, and these thoughts will stay locked up away from the world who will never see anything more beyond the facade of smiles and nonsense.
i am a mel-phleg and these thoughts will not last for too long. sometimes i wish i were a more balanced person, who would not get this choky, teary feeling so easily, and having to control himself from showing the slightest signs of such emotions. why? can you explain? i have no wish to think of what plans that god has for me. in fact, now im wishing that getting to know god were less of an emotional thing, and more of a pragmatic thing; one with a step by step manual that we could follow and with a troubleshoot, just like the question mark icon that comes with every single computer programme.
why do you treasure life now? i treasure life because it is life, because my heart is still beating. even though there are so many delightful thoughts that run through my head, with such diabolical intent on destruction, i will still treasure life. after this excruiciating 11 units of time, it is time to say that i have come to a point that my thoughts can do no more harm to my physical state. just like this blog here, that will stay locked up and away from sight. just like this blog here.
and if we were no more to quantify this fourth dimensional quantum quality. life becomes carefree like the wind, it has no more cares, wears no more burdens. though the sudden tempest of unthinkable earthshaking power, such as cyclone sidr in bangladesh; the wind will always return to its calm state of meditative nirvana. and i choose this that as it is.
lets digress.
i once had a dream. a twisted dream, and thank god it has not yet come true. it was at night and i was alone. i felt this insurmountable urge to retrieve this body from my bed and proceed towards to the kitchen. the urge was quite like an impulse, an emotional state procuring many bad things that would not have happened. it was this sensation of necessity that drove me towards the kitchen, and a certain desire as well. thus, as i entered the kitchen, it was as though all godliness was slowly reliquished with each quiet step. i reached down, and into a drawer; i felt around and found the piece of equipment that i needed to commit this sinful deed: the chopper. yes, it was this overwhelming lust to extricate some blood from my left hand. and as the chopper fell, with my hand rolling across the counter, i felt a sudden burst of shock and numbness. there was little or no pain at first, (because this was a dream) but the sensations it produce were orgasmic. cartharsis to such a delightful extent, and it felt so satisfying. as i gazed at the stump for sometime, i noticed this red liquid dribbling in the most haphazard manner down the elbow from the cross-section of several circular, jaggered objects. this liquid exited my body in the most spasmic manner, with its timing according to the beat of my heart, and slowly i felt a sensation of pain which somehow my brain strove to create. it is at this that i woke up.
interesting eh? it is something that i have not done in a long time. secondary school is just like taking a cold shower in a most groggy state. at first glance after waking up, the toilet resembles the torture chamber, somewhere we all proceed towards before an execution; this feeling of dread that encompasses us all. what do you think now? the cold water hits you like several slaps in the face, and you just feel so awake after that.
i realize alot of things have changed within this 1 unit of time, when the cold water hits your face, especially with me. i have stopped sharing alot of things with others, and im always apprehensive before doing anything close to that. the dream that i narrated above came to me in june, and it is now november before it is finally penned.
how many thoughts can a person hold in his mind before he eventually goes mad? there are so many writer that have and i can empathize with them. we speak of ourselves as not i, me, or mine, but rather as he, it, or them. heck, i even have my own digit/number/persona: 4. and now, after rougly 11 units of time, it has come to a point that where my sanity is being challenged. let me ask you all a question: who in the right mind delights in suicide, self-mutilation? what normal, decent individual finds peace in chopping up himself?
dreams originate from your subconscious self; it is the primival way of expression, and this speaks alot about the individual. and thus the question is: why do i have such a twisted imagination?
theres a reason why i locked up my blog. because i felt there are so many people who are not reliable enough to read all that i write, and even now i wish to further lockdown this blog such that it is only accessible to myself and myself alone. i have always thought the world as an ugly place, and these thoughts will stay locked up away from the world who will never see anything more beyond the facade of smiles and nonsense.
i am a mel-phleg and these thoughts will not last for too long. sometimes i wish i were a more balanced person, who would not get this choky, teary feeling so easily, and having to control himself from showing the slightest signs of such emotions. why? can you explain? i have no wish to think of what plans that god has for me. in fact, now im wishing that getting to know god were less of an emotional thing, and more of a pragmatic thing; one with a step by step manual that we could follow and with a troubleshoot, just like the question mark icon that comes with every single computer programme.
why do you treasure life now? i treasure life because it is life, because my heart is still beating. even though there are so many delightful thoughts that run through my head, with such diabolical intent on destruction, i will still treasure life. after this excruiciating 11 units of time, it is time to say that i have come to a point that my thoughts can do no more harm to my physical state. just like this blog here, that will stay locked up and away from sight. just like this blog here.
and if we were no more to quantify this fourth dimensional quantum quality. life becomes carefree like the wind, it has no more cares, wears no more burdens. though the sudden tempest of unthinkable earthshaking power, such as cyclone sidr in bangladesh; the wind will always return to its calm state of meditative nirvana. and i choose this that as it is.
3 Comments:
we all seem to be wired weirdly. the heart and the brain think independently, i say that is good. our thoughts may change because of the world, but the world changes from our hearts.
you know something will always pull you back from those dreams and thoughts. you know what that something is, it should be innate inside you, but you need something to always realise it's there. treasure it =)
&i'll give you a hug for coming up with this post. it wasnt easy huh. (cause smart genius like me still hasnt completely understood it, and so i think my comment is being incoherent again sorry)
Everything will be better after you come back from Japan. Alternatively, we can just fuck it and unanimously concur that 99% (me included) of the people that post here will 'never see anything beyond the facade of smiles and nonsense' and hence or otherwise, you should stop blogging and put it all down on pen and paper like our friend with the awesome subject combination.
Do you know something? I treasure life too - its emotional ups and downs, its hard-in-the-ass twists and down-your-throat surprises - because I have you, you of all the people I label friends and stuff in a musty cupboard somewhere.
With you I experience the full spectrum of human emotions; we laugh, we cry, we bitch, we scream and the list goes on.
With you I know what it means to be human.
Not a teacher-humping automaton that is only happy with a 4.0; that is not to say that there could be (of which I am quite sure) worse out there.
God bless you, and walk in the knowledge that for all our smiles and laughter, we understand what you are going through.
:)
you might as well lock it up totally to yourself, or just have it public like mine now. it might defeat the point of blogging if you cant blog really personally so it might be good if this is more private, at least you can write things out better (:
&i hope you got my sms before you boarded the plane! was worried you left your phone at home. tsk im commenting so much. you shall forgive me =)
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