Both life and death

the stalwart beast

we tread lightly, amidst the
rustling of the leaves;
softly and silently,
approaching the stalwart beast

it waded gracefully, vernerably
within the drying mud;
grazing and drinking, yet unknowing,
the ground to be stained by its blood

our guns cocked and ready,
we slowly take aim,
a deafening noise, a chaotic frenzy
and the stalwart beast meets soon, its bane

i watched spellbound
as the animal twitched;
struggling against all odds
its life, fighting to keep
and we raised again the heinous wand
and a crackling sound ensured;
blood poured this time from the
gaping wound, its death had now secured.

i watched as the stalwart beast died
my gun lowered in salute;
a hideous sight - of brains and blood,
did finally take the valient beast's life.
After which i sighed, and burdened was
the breathe i exhaled; the power to take
life now rested in my hands, not a boy
i was, but now a man.

And i weep for innocence lost,
and for my sins upon the cross.

This attachment has been an extraordinary experience, and it has been an initiation of sorts. I just came back from a hunting expedition and I have mixed emotions after being exposed to death and actual killing. We killed 3 buffalos and I learnt how to shoot a rifle. We sneaked up behind a herd of buffalo down by a creek. Simon and his father (the hunters who took me)brought down 2 buffalos with a single shot each, after which they had to finish them off with a second shot to the head. The first shot startled the herd and they bolted in different directions, one charged just 10m away from me. It was a majestic beast, well-built, powerful and dangerous - with the capacity to gore a human to death. Niall (Simon's father and one of the hunters) took a shot with the Winchester Magnum, and I had to move out of his line of fire or risk getting hit by that monstrosity of a bullet.

Cleaning up after the chaos was sickening. It was heartwrenching to watch them shoot the calf and finishing off the buffalos - as they killed the mother, the calf would die of starvation sooner or later. Also amongst the dead was a pregnant cow, so it was quite saddening to see so much death abound. The brains and blood gushing from the mouth after the cow had been shot in the head was unnerving initially. Those movies with gun fights are lousy parallels to what I experienced. The impact of death and killing can only be realized when you actually witness or kill a being. Guns are also not a joke, the bullets that we used were hollow-points and fragmentation rounds meaning they penetrated and fragmented within the body causing massive internal collateral damage. Simply put, they enter your body and explode, mangling all the organs within. I shot a few rounds with those rifles and the trees burst almost instantaneously after the trigger was pulled.

The only consolation is that these animals are considered pests on the property and they destroy the land where the cattle graze. Still, the adrenaline of the hunt was amazing and it awakened this deep longing to be wild, to hunt and provide for my family, to explore, to fight; not to kill mindlessly but rather to be untamed, unbridled and to live dangerously. Singapore is so restrained indeed.

The whole experience is still so surreal for me. Upon reflection, death or suffering does not scare me, but having to watch something or someone suffer is unbearable. My dear Lord, forgive me, for how much have you suffered for me. I have a newfound respect for the life that I live - it was exchanged with blood, not of an animal as well - and the power to take life - death comes so easily, you just need to brace yourself for the gun recoil - after this experience.