how we grow up

its quite funny when you read through your own blog archives, all the memories, the feelings, the nostalgia, they all return. when you read through the situations, you feel so different when your life is played back in a third person point of view. naturally during those times, we are too caught up in all the emotional highs of the situation to understand what we are doing. and as you read back, you actually compare yourself now and then. why was i so dumb/childish/immature to do this...? :D

the older i become, the more i understand stuff, and i guess growing up is more of an issue of understanding yourself. the crux is more of how 2 deal with this knowledge.

i probably have quite a high EQ because i am able to empathize with people and understand what they are going through, but under stress, im extremely violatile. i get angered and frustrated very easily when under pressure. and during times like this, i naturally withdraw and refrain from talking 2 people.

somehow as we grow up, this understanding is coupled with a deep security of knowing how to deal with these circumstances, probably drawn from experience.

i would always like to thank god for all the situations that i have been through, and how he has seen me through them. in going through so many situations, i have learnt to handle my emotions and to understand myself better. pain is relative to the sense of perception, and i because i barely said much about anything that i went through, i really thank god that he has been carrying me through all my struggles with suicide, depression and insanity, he always sustained me in one way or another until it was over. i thank god that i was not alone through it all, that he was always besides me through every step of the way.

i want to thank god for many other people whom he has placed in my lives, whether they have left scars or blessings, i want to thank god for them. they have been my pillars of support and as well as taught me the lessons that i needed to learn.

i want to thank several people who have always been supporting me through this whole year, oftentimes we are never appreciated, but i want these people know that they have really made a great impact in my life, and they are quintessential in shaping me into the person i am today. although i still have a long way more to go, i have come a damn long way from the first time i stepped into school.

my father for his guidance and continuously assuring me that i am not alone in all my struggles.
my mother for her guidance and emotional support.
my brother and sister for their unconditional love.
my mentor joey for reaching out to me in my darkest times.
my friends - shermine, corn, nicky, leican, for picking me up when i have fallen and giving me strength when there is nothing tangible to rely on.
my friends - cheryl, dng, puah, joanne, nicolechee, leehe, julia, josiah, jessica, for sharing all the times that we have been through together.

slowly we just move on. growth is oftentimes the most painful process that we have to experience, but the issue behind this is we are too caught up with the pain, that we fail to see the outcome.

to people out there struggling, struggle on and strive for the end beyond the pain. :)

thank god 4 parents :)

one and one half me.

it is a world of mists.
existing in a parallel reality and time,
completely
separate
from the bustling of life itself.
where time is frosted in vapour,
and sulfurous fumes

coagulateinthicklayers;

above the waters' surface
of the onsen pools.

two people lie against the backdrop of eternity,
framed by a sky of black,
and twinkling lights.

one a man,
another barely there.
both unmoving
static, yet in communication.

the outdoor pool is approximately 42OC,
and as the snow falls on their faces,
lightly,
the less of me i find in me,
and the more of him.

finally we exit.
more of a father,
and less of a son.

rest :)

in jc everything happens so fast. now its week 5. 5 weeks later, term ends.

its a breathless mad rush, and theres really nothing that is constant.

im tired. tired with keeping up with all the homework, tired of keeping abreast of assignments, tired of reminding people to do their part in a project, tired of doing stuff, tired... just tired.

the pillow

it comes just once,
just when our lives are spent.
a soft pillow, on which
we rest
our heavy heads

sweet rest. amidst the tumult,
as the pillow melts slowly
into the curvature
of our heads.

and parting one weary eye,
we take our final bows.
so long and goodnight.
so long and goodnight...

we will see each other
soon.

immaculate and imperfect

love is seeing both your own ugliness and beauty through the lenses of others. :)