of sex and subjectivity

a terse litany

the angel:

i want to have a heart
that is dead,
and free of virtue;
taking pleasure in suffering and death.

i want to be able to watch people die.
to see their fingers snipped off,
with blunt scissors, in slow easy time.

i want to hear their screams,
and smile; to laugh at their pain
and delight in their writhring bodies,
spreading the sensations
to the rest of their body.

i dont want to be satisfied
with just causing fear,
i want to drive people
to death to relieve their fearful misery

i want to revel in destruction,
to destroy life while still yet unborn
i want pagan cannibalism,
and to feast on babies,
with no sympathy and thought
as to whether they delight or die.

i want to do all this,
without any pangs of guilt.
i want to be free of compassion,
to indulge in the sins of man.

i want to be evil,
and cause hurt, because
i have no future in doing good.

the devil:

i wish no more for misery and pain
i have seen enough, and felt enough.
i want to bring life, more than to take away.
i want hope and not dread.

i desire for happiness, and contentment;
amongst the people wrecked in pain and sorrow.
to be satisfied with nothing more
than seeing a little child smile.

i want so little from life,
but life alone,
to be forgiven, and accepted
by anyone who loves.

i want to be free,
from eternal torment and torture.
i want to see sharing, and goodness
without any chains or suffering.

i want to be so much,
because i am sick of being condemned.

something i have not done in a long time.

i touched my heart, it was still beating, and i had to thank god. its weird, this thing we call life, because we are blessed with what we never really seem to treasure. 4 units of it have passed so far, perhaps more to come, perhaps not. it is something we dont treasure, if we measure it in terms of units. why? its sad to think about how much we waste, thats why.

lets digress.
i once had a dream. a twisted dream, and thank god it has not yet come true. it was at night and i was alone. i felt this insurmountable urge to retrieve this body from my bed and proceed towards to the kitchen. the urge was quite like an impulse, an emotional state procuring many bad things that would not have happened. it was this sensation of necessity that drove me towards the kitchen, and a certain desire as well. thus, as i entered the kitchen, it was as though all godliness was slowly reliquished with each quiet step. i reached down, and into a drawer; i felt around and found the piece of equipment that i needed to commit this sinful deed: the chopper. yes, it was this overwhelming lust to extricate some blood from my left hand. and as the chopper fell, with my hand rolling across the counter, i felt a sudden burst of shock and numbness. there was little or no pain at first, (because this was a dream) but the sensations it produce were orgasmic. cartharsis to such a delightful extent, and it felt so satisfying. as i gazed at the stump for sometime, i noticed this red liquid dribbling in the most haphazard manner down the elbow from the cross-section of several circular, jaggered objects. this liquid exited my body in the most spasmic manner, with its timing according to the beat of my heart, and slowly i felt a sensation of pain which somehow my brain strove to create. it is at this that i woke up.

interesting eh? it is something that i have not done in a long time. secondary school is just like taking a cold shower in a most groggy state. at first glance after waking up, the toilet resembles the torture chamber, somewhere we all proceed towards before an execution; this feeling of dread that encompasses us all. what do you think now? the cold water hits you like several slaps in the face, and you just feel so awake after that.

i realize alot of things have changed within this 1 unit of time, when the cold water hits your face, especially with me. i have stopped sharing alot of things with others, and im always apprehensive before doing anything close to that. the dream that i narrated above came to me in june, and it is now november before it is finally penned.

how many thoughts can a person hold in his mind before he eventually goes mad? there are so many writer that have and i can empathize with them. we speak of ourselves as not i, me, or mine, but rather as he, it, or them. heck, i even have my own digit/number/persona: 4. and now, after rougly 11 units of time, it has come to a point that where my sanity is being challenged. let me ask you all a question: who in the right mind delights in suicide, self-mutilation? what normal, decent individual finds peace in chopping up himself?

dreams originate from your subconscious self; it is the primival way of expression, and this speaks alot about the individual. and thus the question is: why do i have such a twisted imagination?

theres a reason why i locked up my blog. because i felt there are so many people who are not reliable enough to read all that i write, and even now i wish to further lockdown this blog such that it is only accessible to myself and myself alone. i have always thought the world as an ugly place, and these thoughts will stay locked up away from the world who will never see anything more beyond the facade of smiles and nonsense.

i am a mel-phleg and these thoughts will not last for too long. sometimes i wish i were a more balanced person, who would not get this choky, teary feeling so easily, and having to control himself from showing the slightest signs of such emotions. why? can you explain? i have no wish to think of what plans that god has for me. in fact, now im wishing that getting to know god were less of an emotional thing, and more of a pragmatic thing; one with a step by step manual that we could follow and with a troubleshoot, just like the question mark icon that comes with every single computer programme.

why do you treasure life now? i treasure life because it is life, because my heart is still beating. even though there are so many delightful thoughts that run through my head, with such diabolical intent on destruction, i will still treasure life. after this excruiciating 11 units of time, it is time to say that i have come to a point that my thoughts can do no more harm to my physical state. just like this blog here, that will stay locked up and away from sight. just like this blog here.

and if we were no more to quantify this fourth dimensional quantum quality. life becomes carefree like the wind, it has no more cares, wears no more burdens. though the sudden tempest of unthinkable earthshaking power, such as cyclone sidr in bangladesh; the wind will always return to its calm state of meditative nirvana. and i choose this that as it is.

devil's star

once i asked god 2 tell me how i would disobey/defy him. that night i had a dream. i went to the barber's shop, shaved my head and requested him to cut the devil's star on my sideburns.

strangely, i shaved my head recently, and was interested satanism as well.