Pictures from Katherine :)

Robin and me during Christmas

Spaghetti! I admit it looks like a little like menses, but who says that cant taste nice? :)

My frog! It loves me. :)

Ella! Cutest baby ever, and I think she likes me too. :)

Both life and death

the stalwart beast

we tread lightly, amidst the
rustling of the leaves;
softly and silently,
approaching the stalwart beast

it waded gracefully, vernerably
within the drying mud;
grazing and drinking, yet unknowing,
the ground to be stained by its blood

our guns cocked and ready,
we slowly take aim,
a deafening noise, a chaotic frenzy
and the stalwart beast meets soon, its bane

i watched spellbound
as the animal twitched;
struggling against all odds
its life, fighting to keep
and we raised again the heinous wand
and a crackling sound ensured;
blood poured this time from the
gaping wound, its death had now secured.

i watched as the stalwart beast died
my gun lowered in salute;
a hideous sight - of brains and blood,
did finally take the valient beast's life.
After which i sighed, and burdened was
the breathe i exhaled; the power to take
life now rested in my hands, not a boy
i was, but now a man.

And i weep for innocence lost,
and for my sins upon the cross.

This attachment has been an extraordinary experience, and it has been an initiation of sorts. I just came back from a hunting expedition and I have mixed emotions after being exposed to death and actual killing. We killed 3 buffalos and I learnt how to shoot a rifle. We sneaked up behind a herd of buffalo down by a creek. Simon and his father (the hunters who took me)brought down 2 buffalos with a single shot each, after which they had to finish them off with a second shot to the head. The first shot startled the herd and they bolted in different directions, one charged just 10m away from me. It was a majestic beast, well-built, powerful and dangerous - with the capacity to gore a human to death. Niall (Simon's father and one of the hunters) took a shot with the Winchester Magnum, and I had to move out of his line of fire or risk getting hit by that monstrosity of a bullet.

Cleaning up after the chaos was sickening. It was heartwrenching to watch them shoot the calf and finishing off the buffalos - as they killed the mother, the calf would die of starvation sooner or later. Also amongst the dead was a pregnant cow, so it was quite saddening to see so much death abound. The brains and blood gushing from the mouth after the cow had been shot in the head was unnerving initially. Those movies with gun fights are lousy parallels to what I experienced. The impact of death and killing can only be realized when you actually witness or kill a being. Guns are also not a joke, the bullets that we used were hollow-points and fragmentation rounds meaning they penetrated and fragmented within the body causing massive internal collateral damage. Simply put, they enter your body and explode, mangling all the organs within. I shot a few rounds with those rifles and the trees burst almost instantaneously after the trigger was pulled.

The only consolation is that these animals are considered pests on the property and they destroy the land where the cattle graze. Still, the adrenaline of the hunt was amazing and it awakened this deep longing to be wild, to hunt and provide for my family, to explore, to fight; not to kill mindlessly but rather to be untamed, unbridled and to live dangerously. Singapore is so restrained indeed.

The whole experience is still so surreal for me. Upon reflection, death or suffering does not scare me, but having to watch something or someone suffer is unbearable. My dear Lord, forgive me, for how much have you suffered for me. I have a newfound respect for the life that I live - it was exchanged with blood, not of an animal as well - and the power to take life - death comes so easily, you just need to brace yourself for the gun recoil - after this experience.

Of Relationships, Loneliness and Melancholy

Excerpts from a letter :)

Things in Australia are fun. It can get quite lonely at night though, after I finish all my household chores. Work is enjoyable, my colleague has boobs the size of your head and there is so much to learn and explore in the hospital. The guy I'm attached to, Steve, is extremely knowledgeable and he's been pumping me with alot on drugs and medical conditions. Sadly he speaks very fast and I don't catch most of what he's saying; damn also the Auzzie accent. :)

Regarding love, let's establish something first: friendship is the basis of all relationships, be it kinship, romantic loves and friendships themselves. They form the foundation for a deep relationship. In this sense, I guess distinguishing between a deep friendship and the other relationships is quite irrelevant. What is complicated is in relationships regarding the opposite gender is that if you spend excessive time with the other party, then the relationship is usually exists as a complex function of all the three aspects that you mentioned: genuine feelings, infatuation and deep friendship.

Although you may discredit infatuation, I beg to differ. I see it as quintessential to maintaining physical intimacy with the other party, and what's wrong with a little lust anyhow? :) But your right, the context matters much and the right to intimate physical union should only be exercized in a marriage. It's good that you constantly restrain yourself, because infatuation helps deepen a relationship, especially in the physical nodes.

By genuine feelings, I believe you mean not expecting any reciprocation in terms of returning what you have done for her, or is it non-sexual thoughts? If its the former then what you are idealizing is not a relationship but a fantasy because expectations are an essential part of a relationship. God expects us to become more like Him doesn't He? :) If its the latter, then you just confirmed that your a guy HAHA. I guess having 'genuine feelings' is more of an ideal and the question is not about having and maintaining 'genuine feelings' but rather how do you deal with your imperfect nature: by seeking God and not spending excessive time with her. :)

Regarding loneliness and melancholy, it is true that we are emotional people and we retreat whenever we feel threatened. Many a times, our emotions cloud our judgment and our perspective on things and this reaffirms the notion that we need to base our judgments on the truth which is God's word, hence the importance of spending time with God. :) I'm quite obsessed with this understanding - of what I shared with in cell regarding the greatest commandment - and I would like to share it with the rest of the church someday if given the opportunity. :)

One thing about loneliness and melancholy is it helps us consolidate our values and realign our perspectives. It's only when we feel this way that we see a need to withdraw, when something isn't right yea? I see loneliness and melancholy as an essential part of life because it helps me understand the will of God in the quiet of my heart. However, I have yet to quieten my soul and focus on Him throughout this trip. Pray for me on this alright? :)

Your right about expecting an intense encounter, it has brought to mind a very important lesson that God has taught me previously. We are emotional people, and emotions play an important role in our growth and learning. Indeed, I feel damn empty until I feel I have learnt something, emphasis is to be added on the feel part. However, the lesson I learnt is not to be misguided by these emotions and not to seek the emotional experience but rather the giver of these emotions - God. In Revelations, more specifically the letters to the churches, each letter follows a certain format:

1. A portrayal of Jesus with regard to the circumstances of the church i.e. how they should see Jesus in light of their circumstances

2. A commendation - with the exception of the church of Sardis (arguably) and Laodicea

3. A condemnation - a sin that they have committed

4. An exhortation - how they should respond

The church that spoke to me the most as I was preparing the lesson was Sardis. The lesson learnt was my understanding of the portrayal of Jesus: Him who holds the seven spirit of God (the Holy Spirit) and the seven stars (the angels, or the pastors of the church). What God revealed to me was the sevenfold spirit represented the spiritual experience, and the seven stars represented scriptural understanding, both of which are essential to spiritual growth. However, God is the one who controlled all these, and releases it in turn when He wishes to. Our job is simply just to position ourselves to receive from Him and to seek Him instead of all these.

Father, I pray thee
Restore my heart in You.
'Tis a long time of quiet.

Quieten my heart I pray,
and help me to enjoy your presence.

Amen