Tapitoo: Burn, Beg and Bleed

Burn

the ideosyncrasies of a hypocrite
who preaches what he does naught
leaching the faith off others
in his obscure and obscene ways

Beg

the forgiveness of a father
a love unconditional
the lives delivered
by mercy without terms

Bleed

the shamed duality
purge the wickedness of his heart
unleash the ferverant torrent of repentance
and make me whole

silly as it seems, i have been reading my own blog. i read through all the tough times, all the weird and sometimes even freaky encounters which i have had. i read the thankfulness and gratitude, the curses and swearing. i read them all. and i have noticed one significant difference between the me of the past, and the present me. the past me prioritized god first, and the present me doesnt. in studies, the past me would be commiting his homework and projects to god; the present me just pushes himself to finish it. its really significant because the present me gets nowhere and the past me never does. my body reflects the commitment i have to waterpolo. my black heart reflects the commmitment i have to god. shameful. im sorry. i need gods power back in my life. i need to live a good christian life. i need to live to testify god.

Tapitoo: i feel sad

i feel sad. i feel like crying. crying over my pathetic miserable existence, an unworthy piece of junk which should be put out of living; something which should be torn up and shared with others, instead i harbour 4 myself. fucker. what a fucker. why do i say all this? tell me. i hate my life. i hate the way i gave into temptation. i lived and still am living in lust. throughout the entire course of the year, i have grown selfish. i hate selfish people. i feel sad because i really lost myself. i really hate it the way i lie so easily, i really hate the pretences. i really hate all that i have been doing. i want 2 change, i really want 2 change and 2 be made new. alot of things i have been doing which i feel as a christian i shouldnt. impure and destructive thoughts r one. i have allowed these 2 take root in my mind and 2 pervade my life. im sorry 4 all the bad things i have done or said or anything. im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. im sorry 4 being a hypocrite. im sorry 4 living a double standard life. im sorry god 4 giving into lust. im sorry 4 giving into temptation. but no matter how much i apologize, the scars will still remain. death. death, death, death. death 2 d fucker here. die 2 live. live 2 die. i need the blood of jesus back in my life. i need 2 be filled with the spirit again. i need prayer.

Tapitoo: to him who fights alone

Tapitoo:

An ode

to rough paths through lands uncharted

to hardships still yet left unconquered

to the devils whom fought and died at spirits sharpened sword

to the courage with which the valleys shriek in fear

to the pain of heart-stabbed brokenness which threatens to destroy the valient

to the unsurmountable strength in pushing through the darkness

to the second set of quickening footprints through it all

to the dear friend an ode to friendship

Nicky:

theirs not to reason why
theirs but to do and die

that feeling, you can only say what it is in french

I looked and saw a pale horse, and his name that sat upon him was GPA

Fight or flight?
Neither availed me.
Vision blurred
Breathing slurred
The distinct outline of a figure 4

As he chained my carcass to his horse
With my dying breath I saw
A pair of footprints
Alone, all alone
In their abominable shuffle
across the battlefield of academia

Why do I rage and plot a vain thing?
More fool me.
Dont leave me, i beg you
If I should fail, remember
this of me:
that there's some corner of a foreign field
that will always be innocence.

Tapitoo:

Fight or flight?
A question not easily answered
Dismissed is ones destiny
Or our greatest terror we face

A white horse?
Blistering hands coarse
Gun at hand
And we fight again

Brothers at arms
Up now to war go
A fight for what?
The degradation of human soul

Take heart my brother
For fight alone you do not
Emboiled too am i
In this eternal battle of self-realization

Even in defeat look to the light
Our battleworn scars marks of courage
Again we retire
Battle lost but war undecided

Again we retire
To fight again
Against worldly forces hold sway
Harken mornings death cry
Our next suicidal advance

Against them death holds not sway
Two courageous warriors
Forever back to back
Surrounded in seas of enemies galore
And bullets flight unleashed

Salute now Nicholas the valient
And David the brave
Together we fight
Together we die

Through the course of the past year, i carried a heavy heart. a very heavy heart. the fight against academia for a GPA 4, a burden further weighed by waterpolo, house captaincy, cell leader. a struggle, a shuffle and the year is over. i have survived the war with a scar of 3.07. painfully tragic and yet suprisingly refreshing. the year is finally over, and all the pain is gone together with it. perhaps? or not. but to whatever the outcome of the holidays; i will fight on. steadfast soldier, for god, honour and duty. thanks too to nicky. both us casualities in this fight. failures, they call us; but i prefer the term survivors. who thinks much about the bottom feeders in an elitist school? there be nobody to mourn our losses. nobody to hug and cry. we just gotta move on. and im glad that at least the importance of this is diminished around him. i fight with heart, and dignity. no cheating, no trying to cheat, no backstabbing methods of getting around the system. i stand the full brunt of the sandstorm. many many times have i struggled alone, with the rest of the team busy sleeping. through night and sleepless, tortured eye. i dont blame anyone but myself for my grades and everything else. and i will continue, i will continue to fight on.

Tapitoo: questionable ethics

blood. the herald of life. flowing through all life's veins and arteries. it was blood that saved and thursday i lost blood. in my rampage of unrestricted anger, i lost blood. fresh blood.

redeeming blood will always flow free. but the scar will always be left behind. so sad, yet so questionable. why? why? why? too many blows i guess. failure is the key to unleash anger. but i guess god still has a plan for a failure like me. =) sunday proves it true. amen