sine qua non: my God

restraint is the key to my salvation.
but yet, i cannot exercize any now.

not now, not until.

until i finally find you once again,
im utterly despondant.
sadness has whelmed my soul.

there is little hope left dear God
and whats left to speak of faith?

I am wishing for H1N1, my ticket
to collapse
and allow myself to fade away,
consumed in a 40 degree centigrate fever.
to escape. and i feel it coming soon.

there ill speak of no one.
and none shall speak to me.
isolation shall be
my reprisal for all i have wronged.

i am so far away God,
forgive me.

i think this poem is quite apt now, although it was written sometime ago.

Saying grace.

He sat at the dinner table,
both hands apart
a separate utensil grasped
in each appendage
his dinner, now ready to start.

We must say grace,
he mumbled to himself
and each appendage nodded
in unison agreement:
we must commit this meal to God.

So he took in a deep breath
and though his body tensed,
he brought his hands together
in reverent worship
and closed his weary eyes.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
And...with those sacred
words being said,
he made his first incision.

Please bless this time,
that I spend with you.
He said, as he dragged
the knife along
his stomach.

Bless the food as well,
that it may nourish me.
Prayed he,
making yet another
vertical incision.

I remember the people who prepared this food
please bless them in all they do.
His voice was barely audible,
as he pulled down his knife,
- the final slit.

In Jesus name,
...
As he tore apart the unholy crucifix,
and his intestines spilled
onto the dinner plate,

his lips were stuck
and just before he died
he found that, ...that he
just could not say
"Amen"

In living by Faith

Dear Lord,

It is hard to live by faith, because as time passes, even the simplest things become more uncertain. How can I be assured of the things that I once was so convinced, when now they seem so far out of reach? In my studies, Lord, I am so disappointed, for I can never seem to address the question, and no matter how much effort I put in, failure is beyond a certainty. Right now, I ask myself is it really Your will for me to become a shrink? Like a blossoming relationship, the euphoric high was so convincing. Is it really Your will, God? I am disappointed, depressed and on the verge of giving up. It seems pointless to continue, when all one does is simply shoot in the dark, trying to hit this small target of 5 As.

-to be continued

a long long way

Dear God, why do you like to play with me so much?

That everytime I feel accomplished, these achievements all turn to naught.

Why can't you just let me feel good about myself?

Why did you create me in a way that allows me to get
close to people so easily?

Why have you tormented me with such emotional depth
that I am left unsatisfied most of the time?

Why have you blessed me with perception and intelligence
and yet I never seem to get things right?
that I never seem to score in exams?

Why God, why must You be so cruel to me?
Why can't life be just the way I wished?

But please see me through it all, for it is Your will.
For then I will taste and Approve of Your will,
Your Good, Pleasing and Perfect Will

(Romans 12:2)