Dec 2011

One terribly long hiatus and everything is good.

I love you baby. Please rest well.

it remains but a distant memory
all the grandeur of the past
but all i can do in this bleak present
is reminisce the things that turned to dust

im-motive

It descends slowly,
inching into the flesh-shorn cavity.
First came the sting,
then a tingling of pain,
intermingled with a slight snigger
as life ebbed into the abyss.

No more a man
than a corpse should be,
time comes to a standstill
as reality collapses into
nothing-ness.

To ride the giant waves of death
is exhilarating, and all at once
life plummets into the depths
and we all find ourselves
washed up
on the shores of hell.

Through the looking glass

Inklings of the life that I will never share in flash by as my fingers swipe across the looking glass and the vespertine breeze rushes through the nothingness above my head. The long way ahead is fixed and daunting, winding and barred with many rows of concertina wires - circular coils of wires encircled with serrated blades. The past stands behind me with a firm grip upon my shoulders, it never stops haunting me. Who have I to hold once again? There was nothing before, what hope do I have that there will be any in the future?

I'm so tired now. Where are you God, my strength?

Some of the many things I miss and have learnt to appreciate:

1. Holding her close
2. Talking to her
3. Looking into her radiant face
4. Meals with my family
5. Watching a beautiful sunset
6. Having hair on my head
7. A warm, relaxed shower
8. Lazing in bed
9. Air conditioning
10. Flippantly using weapons only in computer games without a care of carbon residue afterwards or where they are pointing
11. Messaging her whenever I like
12. Wearing a fresh set of clothing and not perspiring immediately after
13. A soft breeze
14. Taking my time to do things
15. Her wonderful smile
16. Wasting my day doing nothing
17. A messy room
18. Dry undergarments
19. Doing pushups as a means of exercize only
20. Having a choice to submit to authority
21. A smile from someone familiar
22. Durians
23. Beef, pork and any other kind of meat except chicken
24. An easy meal
25. Peaceful sleep
26. An environment where I am the most vulgar or lewd
27. Worshipping God in a comfortable room
28. Rain
29. Waking up late
30. Her

You treasure only the things you once had. :)

God please take me away,
I cannot take this anymore.

Mission Trip

It was a tiring yet rewarding trip; I personally got less than 5 hours of sleep in the 3 days we were there, but it was fulfilling. We left Singapore on the 22nd of January, in the afternoon instead of the morning as there were some complications with the ferry tickets. Although we had booked the tickets in advance, the ticketing office did not confirm them and we had no boarding passes to our destination. It was an outright attempt of the devil to stop us from doing God's will, but it was heartening to receive affirmation albeit in this manner. He would not prevail though, as we set off for our trip in a different route, this time to Batam, to catch a separate ferry across the island towards Tanjung Pinang, Bintan. It is with such trepidation and humbled by our precarious position in the cosmic war waged amongst us that I embarked on this mission trip. The reminder was very simple: we can only depend on God.

We arrived happy and hungry, devouring all 7 courses in the restaurant we visited, which was to be the venue of our youth programme. It was carnage at the table, and I am proud to share in such REAL destruction. :) We proceeded to the hotels shortly after lunch, all of us in chatty moods after our stomachs were full. There are several things that I enjoyed the most on the trip: the bus rides, the sessions of prayer and lunches. Of these, the commonality is straightforward, they are all opportunities for fellowship, and through which I got to know all the members at a more intimate level.

Split into 2 groups upon arrival, some of us went to pray while others went for the children's programme. I was in the prayer group, and it was the first time I was real in a long time. Prayer is indeed powerful! I was so reluctant to leave after the hour passed. We prayed for the team doing the children's programme, the mission trip in general, the hearts of our team members, the need for God, some team members, Ian who was preaching later - whose heart was still very hard and distracted. The session of prayer allowed God to speak to Him and a powerful sermon was born. Reader, if you can only understand the joy that exists in prayer, you will never desire anything else ever again. :)  

I must digress a little to explore this spiritually discipline: prayer. It unlocks many things: the heart of God, the power of God, the strength of God and our own heart, just to name a few. When we pray, we reverse in us the 'ontological inversion' - simply put, our spiritual being marred by sin, if you want further explanation, just approach me - that took place when sin first entered into our lives. I believe the phrase 'walking with God' is essentially referring to prayer, as it is our main line of communication with Him and in this reversion, that takes place through prayer, we stay most attuned to God's spirit and this allows Him to work through us, unleashing His power and His will in our lives, and brings our minds and wills into submission to His own, that we may test and approve of it as said in the Scripture. The implication of testing and approving is that it that God's will is good, just that we have yet to understand it; not vice versa as many people think.

There was service that evening and I made friends with this girl Dewi, who tried to teach me to worship in Bahasa Indonesia. It was quite heartening to see that although we had not much to offer, our mere presence was sufficient for others to rejoice. :) Worship climaxed in the song 'Shout to the Lord' where both groups - the Indonesian youths and the team, divided in language, united again in praising the same God. We then continued service, during which, there was a blackout. There were many interpretations that sprang forth from this simple electrical failure, God really spoke to the team through these events, but I was more concerned about the sermon.  Ian delivered a powerful sermon, and God used him to speak to the Indonesians, after which we saturated the hall with prayer. Although I did not know the people there, nor spoke their language, I just prayed in the universal language of praise - tongues - and watched God work in their lives. Please pray for the people in Indonesia, they need discipleship.

That night, we had a debrief and planned until 4 for the various programmes that were ongoing the next day. We slept little, but awoke afresh. We spent another 30 minutes in prayer which was refreshing, where I revamped my testimonial after that session after God impressed the words into my heart. It seems like everything in this trip was a work in progress, which only came to fruition after we prayed. Perhaps our very lives are like that, a work in progress until the end and the best fruits are born then. How interesting :)

We took charge of the service that day, most of the team conducted the children's programme while the remaining 8 of us orchestrated the service. The crowd were mostly adults, with some of the youth from the previous night scattered
amongst the congregation. They had worship, after which we took over. We performed our special item - a dance - for the congregation and it was met with warm reception, even though yours truly messed up a little. Gao min was the emcee, and she did a good job introducing me as the handsome one, which the crowd promptly hollered their approval. Perhaps good looks transcends national and racial boundaries. Hou! :) But the testimony - about how I strayed from Christ and into Satanism and back again - really impacted them, I could see in their eyes. After that Bryson preached. During the service, the Holy Spirit prompted me to confront this guy in the congregation about sin which he had not resolved in his life. This guy was named Hendra and he was plagued with bad, recurring dreams which left him unable to work and with pains in his waist and back. The most coincidental thing was I had already forgotten about the prompting and he 
was the one who approached us for prayer. We prayed for deliverance and when I asked the pastor, the guy confessed that he was struggling with hatred and was involved in fights 
with his Muslim friends regarding his faith. We prayed again, and our leaders took him aside to talk to him.

We had lunch, and after that we dove immediately into the next activity - a youth programme. The whole activity went quite smoothly, and we could see that the Indonesian youth really enjoyed the activities we planned for them. The workshops that I taught on prayer went well, thank God. I saw Hendra again, and I decided to sit with him through dinner and the following service. My heart was filled with compassion for him as he was an outcast in his own community and amongst the youth as they couldn't understand how to reach him. Although it was not much, I just made my presence felt besides him, to show him love in that way. It was then that God ministered to me, reminding me of His own love for me. :)

The night threatened to end bitterly, with me speaking without first praying. But it ended with God's grace - in that I was able to know my mentee Ian and later in the day, Yixian and Tiffany - and with the understanding of my other team members. I spent the rest of the night praying and reflecting about the situation, and I realized that I needed to be more humble, open and understanding to utilize all the talents God has blessed me with.

The next morning was tiring. Everyone in the team was almost spent, but we still had two more programmes left, tuition and house visitations. I was in the house visitation team, along with Tiffany, Yixian, Kah Sheng and Jia Liang. We went door to door, visiting Christian households and praying for them. It was humbling to meet people living so contently in these circumstances; not to discredit the power of prayer, but I felt more blessed with all I learnt from those visits than what I had given. 

the clouds, their edges serrated

and pressed against the azure

background

frame the fiery orb as it

transcended into the night

the lambent rays of the sun's

finest glory, danced above the

ocean.
and there we were frozen

in this picturesque scene

the sea in its furor, swept
against the sides of the
ferry,
playfully tossing seaspray
into our face.

although fast and relentless, the
wind was still gentle nonetheless; its
caresses
swept the brows clear,
and roused a state of euphoria within.

the horizon, where azure

met indigo, glistened in the

light

of eternity, as heaven

descended on earth.

and suddenly, I knew: the
great Creator whose glory
enthroned
in all the earth, sang aloud
through nature's very heart.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know them full well.

Psalms 139:14

However, the main highlight was the trip back home. The poem above describes the entirety of our Christian walk: although we may busy ourselves with accomplishments and ministry, what is most important is ultimately knowing God and enjoying His presence. :) As we climbed above to the exposed upper deck, the sunset and the majesty of God's glory enveloped us, and reminded me of where my heart truly belongs. It was just like a refreshing breath of air after holding it for so long, and I can profess that I know my saviour, my God; I know all He has done full well. :)

Amen