the surreal world

indeed its true i live in a world of my own. and sometimes i find it so hard to breakaway from this surrealism. its difficult 2 live in this miserable little world of mine, for the lack of human interaction.

it is difficult 2 balance reality and surreality. the idealism of how great life can actually be and how much this differs from the actual truth. life is meaningless if we were to live it so superficially; i have tried and i cannot understand how and why people are so satisfied with such meaningless lives, i cannot understand how they stay in the popularity rat race. why are people so concerned with all the trivial things in life? do they even know that after they die, their passing will be mourned by many, yet remembered by few? it is so superficial and so ignorant - face value living - living for the moment.

yet on the other hand, the world that i surround myself in is so unattainable. the most sickening fact about perfection and reality is that they cannot coexist. its a void that separates the 2. and as you reach towards such a possibility, it drains you of all your energy and strength, and leaves you beaten, exhausted and alone. you never have any close friends, because no one will ever understand your thoughts, your ideals. no one will ever be able 2 empathize with you, because you are unable to describe it; what comes out are words that do not aptly describe, stammering and suttering, and people are led down a varying thought path.

its true, i naturally gravitate towards the deep things and in doing so i explore concepts that oftentimes are so complex that i myself find it difficult to understand it in all its totality.

the infinity concept
the concept of infinity is unimaginable, it is mind boggling, and literally leaves one breathless. this is merely a simple illustration of the concept.

2^1 = 2 i take up one square tile.
2^2 = 4 there are so many other tiles in a shop.
2^3 = 8 there are so many other shops in one level of a shopping centre.
2^4 = 16 there are so many levels in a shopping centre.
2^5 = 32 there are so many shopping centres in one street.
2^6 = 64 there are so many streets in the city district of Singapore
2^7 = 128 there are so many districts in Singapore alone.
2^8 = 256 singapore is merely an island in the middle of the South East Asia.
2^9 = 512 south East Asia is merely a part of Asia.
2^10 = 1024 asia is merely a part of the whole continent of Euroasia.
2^11 = 2048 euroasia is only a portion of the entire world.
2^12 = 4096 the world is only 1 of the 9 planets in the solar system.
2^13 = 8192 the solar system is merely a speck in the entire Milky Way.
2^14 = 16384 the Milky Way is only one of the 1000000000000s of galaxies in the Universe
2^15 = 32768 God is greater than all of these.
2^16 = 65536 God died for me.
2^17 = 131072 this is how insignificant we are.
2^18 = 262144 this is how much God loves us

can you imagine?

the principle of love
i still cannot understand love.
humans are disgusting, despicable, shameless and self-serving. it is so difficult to love someone whose value system is so corrupted, yet at the same time, it is so difficult to express love such that the recipient is able to understand and experience the same emotions that one actually feels. love is a pain yet it is a joy.

i still dont know how to love.

yet God loves us. he is able to love us that way, with all his disgust, he is actually able to look at us and smile and rejoice that we are alive. he loves us beyond all the circumstances and our own characters.

the ultimate form of love would be willing sacrifice as demonstrated by Jesus.

to be honest, my sacrifice will NEVER be willing enough.

can you imagine?

of faith and hope

i realized that the concept of hope and faith both stem from partial knowledge and uncertainty.

today the waterpolo team was announced. congratulations 2 those who made the team. do RJ proud. and 2 those who did not, its a privilege 2 have trained together as a team. :)

zhizhi
nicky
wayne
alex
hansen
sean
jamie
weejin
jennhui
jianying
brandon
woosheng
tom
shangcong
irshah

the beginning of the year was spent in anticipation and training towards this moment. although it was quite certain that my teammates were improving at a far greater rate than i was, until the very end, there was still this little hope that i kept alive that somehow, i would make the team.

naiveity.
child-like innocence.

rather its hope.

hope springs from the uncertainty of the outcome. it gives us the perseverence to continue fighting, passion and resolve to finish the journey. it is hope that fuels the process. already knowing the outcome, would i have worked as hard as to improve?

the knowledge of the outcome is the deciding factor that helps us determine how much effort we put in. knowing that one is bound to fail, why would one put in so much effort into studying a subject?

it is through the unknown that we derive hope. :)

it is the same concept with God. why did he leave us with only portions of truth and yet no physical evidence for his existence? if he were to reveal himself in ever-radiant glory, which he is capable of, why would he choose not to?

to help us live with hope that something would result from this relationship and hence all the aspects of hope come into being. passion, resolve, perseverence. the implications that arise from the fact that an omni-potent being is in control of the universe are astounding. the whole dynamics of life as we know it would change into literal bootlicking. we would be fighting and killing ourselves to gain the impartial favour of God, as did the Chinese to their emperors. materializing God would also equate to anarchy.

yet in the midst of this uncertainty, there has to be some knowledge of what will come to pass. with that comes faith. faith is the assurance in what is not known. and thus faith is relative to the assurity of the unknown. hope fuels the process, faith births confidence.

god has indeed made us so profound, that until now, we are still trying 2 understand ourselves. and that is something to delight in. :)

a fast unlike no other

traditionally, fasting is reserved for food, however, the purpose of fasting is to remove the objects that divert our attention from god. a cold turkey treatment, where the individual is purposely forced to divert his attention away from the distractions in his life.

lately the whole pace of life has been breathtaking; the amount of things to do in jc is astounding, there are so many happenings, so many things that take place; things to do, things to keep you occupied. there are so many happenings, and if you stop reading the newspaper for perhaps 3 days, its almost impossible to catch up. this is the allure of the world, the world we live in. and the more i get accustomed to jc, the more i find myself erecting this barrier against God in order to keep up with the rate of which the world changes. the greatest conflict that we face nowadays, is with the world. the world defines all the standards that we should have as a person in order to be recognized, all the As, the looks, the status quo; it defines our lifestyle, and even pervades into our value system.

its so scary to think how much we are subconsciously influenced by the world, and the very act of compromising on the biblical solutions, is an act of the world tempting and enticing us. that is the world we live in.

fasting is an act of worship, to sacrifice the most important things in our lives in place of God. this time i will be going on a technology fast, and abstain from the handphone and msn for this whole week. the social circle as defined by all these devices have been the greatest distraction and a very discreet substitution for God's companionship. it is all these little things that take your time and energy and mind away from having this relationship with God. thus i shall refrain from all this and take time to refocus my attention back on God. the goals of this fast are to:

- spend quality time with God and family
- to reinforce biblical values that were forgotten
- training myself to focus on God
- do some homework :)

although i cannot disappear from reality all the same, i shall be checking my email and handphone less regularly than i used to and ill be updating my blog on what i have learnt through this period. anything urgent please call my house phone, or dont expect such an immediate response from me.

passing fads

INFJ - The "Confidant"

INFJs, making up an estimated 1% of all people, are the most rare type (males even more so). They are introspective, caring, sensitive, gentle and complex people that strive for peace and derive satisfaction from helping others. INFJs are highly intuitive, empathetic and dedicated listeners. These traits tend to act as a "tell me what's wrong" sign on their forehead, hence the nicknames Confidant, Counselor or Empath. INFJs are intensely private and deeply committed to their beliefs.

http://www.mypersonality.info/

comrades

the world from a shell is really damn small :)

i guess i was so wary of falling or failing that i tried so hard to cling on to how much i have done. its quite sad though to see everything changing and moving on around you and you not being much of a part of it.

i have decided 2 take a step out and unlock this blog, and to live life with the same transparancy that i used 2.

some how the more you keep things to yourself, the more it crushes your entire being.