Tapitoo: am i selfish?

i wrote a poem on this theme, shall post it one of these days but i think its kinda cheesy. anyway, getting down 2 d point. these few days have been sitting on this topic of selfishness n selflessness. presently this year is d year of service, yet i find myself doing much less 2 serve. personally i feel that i have been more selfish than selfless, and very disloyal. there have been things that i have put off which werent convenient 2 me or i didnt want 2 do. selfish behaviour eh? though it really seems crazy that i would feel bad about not lending my only tie 2 another person when we both needed it, but i havent given second thoughts 2 it. yet. personally i wasnt like this before, everything was done with d thought of others first. now not so much. shit man i gotta change. god please help me put others before myself n help me 2 use what talents as a blessing 2 others. disloyalty? lately i have been asking myself this question. have i been a good enough friend when i havent been doing my utmost for others? anyone can help me answer this rhetoric question? been asking that myself accompanied with this question of service. how can u all say im a good friend when i have barely done anything for anyone? theres so much more that i can do, which im not doing. n why am i not doing it? shucks. too busy? too tired? what kinda good friend is too tired or busy 4 another? another thing, i hate it when i always have 2 pon training due 2 some last minute complication, and giving some screwed up, stupid reason or MC. i should be training instead of resting, at least doing land PT. shit man. is there something that i can do 2 improve this situation? the life of a hypocrite is laid bare before u.

Tapitoo & the Allures of the world

i was invited 2 this beach party. 8000 frenzied, gyrating, pulsating bodies squeezed into a beach. ^.' one of the many temptations of the world. though i want 2 go 4 this crazy beach party, i keep telling myself that its not right and not edifying at all. im just all too human. hahaha. all my friends r getting girlfriends, going out with girls, inviting them back 2 their houses n doing all sorts of taboo stuff ^.' alot of dramas and alot of love stories on tv, alot of shows, etc. and these few days have been pondering over the concept of relationships, gender and the taboo topic sex. what would my first girlfriend be like? how would i treat her? will she reciprocate? will it just be a onesided relationship? marriage sounds so intimate, will mine be, or will it just be a pathetic one-sided exchange. what about girls? do they have these kinda thoughts as well? what do they think about guys? do they notice us as much as we do? watching various suggestive scenes on tv initiated this kinda thoughts. now thinking about it, i cant picture myself doing all the "antics" that all those hollywood actors and actresses have done on the big screen. and now im acutally considering staying single. at times thinking, at times jealous. hahaha. tapitoo is guilty as charged. so far i have learnt its impossible 2 resist these temptations without gods help. suppressing desires do not yield any result, instead the desires manifest and grow until one breaks. these few days i havent really been talking to him, hence the struggle. max told me i should be glorifying god 4 giving me this kinda desires. but i kinda find it hard 2 look beyond this limitation. the world is so tempting at times as i fight against it. but the thing is that we all have an all-powerful god, an omnipotent, omnipresent, gracious, merciful, forgiving god that we can count on to carry us through the toughest of times. instead of there being 2 footprints in the sand, god please let there be only one. today i run into your arms again, and now i do not fight alone.

Tapitoo: a pathetic letdown

its sickening to think how much i do not push myself. when ones limits r boundless he subdues himself to what is contained within his own shell. thats partly why people r where they r today, they r just purposeless. i have been a letdown my entire life, dammit. cross country - i stopped and stopped and stopped and got 50th. studies - i didnt make the grade and got 2.89 for overall GPA in the first semester. friends - this is the second time i was not accountable to others when i said i would give help them along with their quiet time. friends again - i owe some of my friends testimonials on friendster already 4 a few weeks. spiritual life - i letdown god when i didnt make him part of my studies on wednesday and totally screwed up my physics quiz. it all just culminates into a point when all the regret just flows out through the fingers flying over the keyboard and you just feel like clenching your fists and smashing the computer screen. the guilty pangs just come, hitting you literally like satanic punches. its wrong to hate yourself, its wrong to bear grudges, its wrong not to accept your shortcomings. but i still do. the devil attacks in many different ways some bold and outright. others subtle and discreet. but i still am sucuumbing to this shit. true perfection is never attainable, and we all r still clay in d process of being moulded. god i pray u be with me today and i thank u 4 all that has passed, it is a very valuable lesson that i have learnt and i will remember d next time i fall. knowing that u r in control at all times, i surrender myself 2 u, and i trust that u will be my portion, my strength, and my shield. amen